Recognizing either the economic saw, “buy low, sell high,” or perhaps waking up after a coma and imagining this was 2005, the producers of the aptly named “Outcast,” in search of “talent,” deliberately hired two Hollywood drifters currently had on the cheap – Hayden Christensen and Nicolas Cage.
Yes, I watched a Hayden Christensen film. From what I can tell, Hayden decided that his Empire-sized unemployment problem was the acting part. Hence, for this role as door-to-door nomadic swordsman, he decided not to act at all. Shunning all thoughts of expression and motivation, Hayden drifts through Outcast using those valuable combat skills he learned as a Jedi while treating us to the bare minimum of anything that might reasonably constitute part of his actual profession. Mind you, this is an improvement.
Perhaps I should describe the film: Jacob (Christensen) and Gallain (Cage) are stormin’ the Holy Land. Jacob is pretty good with his 12th C. light saber and seems a little blood thirsty as well. He and Gallain take time out from the slaughter to have a deliberately cryptic conversation; maybe we’ll understand it later. Maybe we’ll care. Maybe.
Meanwhile, in another film, there’s a power struggle in China – warlord Prince Shing (Andy On) has returned home to claim dad’s throne. But dad already gave it to his peacenik tweener son, Zhao (Bill Su Jiahang), so Zhao and sis Lian (Liu Yifei) are on the lam. Without Lian, this film is pretty much sword ‘n’ sausage.
Eventually, Jacob makes his way into the China story as a battle-weary opium-head. Has he been “cast-out” from the Holy Land? Not sure we ever find out. In a post-lunch outburst, he ends up taking out Shing’s would-be abductor legion and ends up playing bodyguard to the fleeing royals. Get this – at first Lian is repulsed by the taciturn 
westerner, but then she softens to him. Oh, Hayden, it must be the Year of the Dog. Scored another princess with your underwhelming personality, did you? Yeah, I don’t pretend to know what Hayden’s got going on; all I know is when he speaks, it is a waste of celluloid. That is never not going to be true.
“So where did Nicolas Cage go?” You might ask. I know I did. The answer is it doesn’t matter. Nothing Nicolas Cage does matters any more. He is the saddest story I know – gone from over-actor to award winner to actor to bad joke to completely irrelevant, Nicolas Cage has a dozen films lined up at any given moment and not a single one which will announce this man has anything left to offer an audience.
You know, this film actually had some nice combat choreography. I didn’t expect to enjoy anything from this picture, but found that a pleasant surprise. It isn’t enough to win the day, and the lasting impression of the leads makes the two-stars seem unnecessarily robust, but I’ll stick with it; you’re not going to see Outcast anyway. Nor should you.
♪Yi, er, san!
My princess don’t mess around
Cause she’s gotta go
Fleeing in the snow
I think she really wants me
But can’t stand to see me smoke up that dope
Don’t try to fight the legion
Because that group alone is killing folks right now
Thank God, FYNC
For acting in this failure
Cause I don’t know how
Hey Zhao
Blow tow(n)
Hey Zhao
King now?♫
Not Rated, 99 Minutes
D: Nick Powell
W: James Dormer
Genre: Medieval justice
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Hayden Christensen’s mom
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Star Wars fans
♪ Parody inspired by “Hey Ya”
