I’ve babysat twice in my pre-marriage lifetime. I won’t say they were disasters … well, hey, the hospital wasn’t involved, which I take pride in despite the low bar. First time, I sat in the guest bedroom and watched Woody Allen movies. Then I got caught stealing a Nutter-Butter. The girl was only slightly younger than myself and simply needed company. I took
this to mean being in the house was enough. I wasn’t invited back. But I really enjoyed Play It Again, Sam.
Speaking of babysitting fails, today’s teen romance is The Boy, a film in which a coed travels from Montana to rural England to be full-time nanny for a creepy porcelain doll. Greta (Lauren Cohan) thinks it’s a joke. Her stern-faced employers assure her that it is not. Wonder how many cuts that scene took, huh? I would have been in tears if Old English Sheepfogies presented a three-foot tall doll with the message, “this is our son, Brahms.”
As can be told by the family portrait, Brahms looks quite a bit like real life son Brahms lost in a fire 25 years ago. Yeah, that’s not weird. None of this is weird.
Did you know if you replace the last letter in The Boy with literally a dozen others, you get a completely different film
? I’ve illustrated this review with some of my favorites.
How do you entertain a stationary kid, anyway? Go to the park and look for statues of birds to feed? Put him in front of a painting and tell him, “it’s television?” People watch in department store display windows?
Nonplussed by the assignment, Greta ignores the rules. Seriously – list of rules written down – wake him up at seven, change him, kiss him goodnight, play music loud, don’t get him wet, don’t feed him after midnight, whatever … So mom & pop Fussfeather leave – for an unspecified period of time – leaving Greta and Brahms alone in the mansion together. And Greta puts a sheet over Brahms and takes a staycation for a week in her new digs. When she starts to get closer to the delivery boy, Malcom (Rupert Evans), strange things start happening – clothes and jewelry go missing. Greta gets locked in the attic for a night. She starts having dreams of the doll being alive. And Brahms starts not
being where Greta left him. Well, you didn’t expect him to take it lying down, did you?
Is the ghostly impish spirit of a child long dead by fire possessing his awful doppelgänger? Is Greta simply losing her mind? Is she in danger? Personally, I wouldn’t take this shit. You gonna start something just because I don’t adhere to the list? Man, Brahms, for a doll, you are seriously Type A. Get over yourself. I’m not a big fan of tough love, but, doll or no, you’ve got to grow up at some point and face the music, Brahms. Thirty-plus years is far too long to be “Master Brahms.” Suck it, Herbie.
At 33, Lauren Cohan is a tad old for this role. Perhaps they were going for somebody who’d be (roughly) the boy’s age if he’d grown up. Hard to say. It would be easy to rip this film forever. It’s kind of difficult to see the danger in an inanimate object. Of course, we said the same thing about Annabelle last year … and, of course, the same thing applies, dangerous or no – it’s creepy when you find evidence that something not alive is alive. It’s creepier still when you find out by yourself.
♪This was never the way I planned
Not a vacation
I flew in, hat in hand
Looked like a plantation
It’s not what I’m used to
I prefer the existing
I’m curious, can wealth
Create living?
I sat a doll and I liked it
Until it became creepy
I sat a doll just to try it
Hope my ex- boy don’t mind it
It felt so wrong. It felt so right
Hope I’m getting my check tonight
I sat a doll and I liked it
For a week♫
Rated PG-13, 97 Minutes
D: William Brent Bell
W: Stacey Menear
Genre: Chuckie? Annabelle? Pinocchio?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Mannequins
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Sitters
♪ Parody inspired by “I Kissed a Girl”
