There are 19 hours left on a half-year vacation get away to Mars. The general feeling is, “for getting to live on Mars, this kinda blew; but at least we get to go home now.” Stubborn Ice Princess Kim (Olivia Williams) insists upon collecting her last samples and readings for the trip. This puts everybody in a foul mood. All these folks want is red in the rearview. But what’s this? The team Serb, Marko (Goran Kostic) has discovered some microbes. This could be water! Do you know what that means? With all the sand on Mars – it means there will be beachfront property one day. Of course, Marko isn’t gonna tell anybody about it.
What?! Wait. I have questions.
First off – what are Brits doing on Mars? Look, I’m all for universal cooperation in space exploration, but ain’t nobody who speaks the Queen’s English leadin’ a NASA mission, ok? From what I understand, the English only care about outer space when Auric Goldfinger takes out a satellite or some shit like that. Ohhhhhhh, this is a UK film. OK, I get it now. Ain’t no NASA mission at all. OK, but then, why are there a bunch of Americans there? Brits run out of astronauts? And our rogue is a Serb, really? The only guy who doesn’t speak English as a first language is the greedy bastard who undermines the mission? Really?
Yep, Marko goes rogue. He wants all the “glory” for himself. I really want to see this one explained. What was the thought process here? You collect your li’l tube of water, smuggle it back to the ship, go into cryogenic freeze for the year trip back to Europe, set up the press conference upon touchdown and it goes like this:
Press: We are very excited to have you back from Mars? How was the trip?
Team leader: It was wonderful; we’ve learned many things. Unfortunately, we don’t have any grand new insights.
.
.
.
(four hours later)
Press: So you’re saying, essentially, that while it was cool to be able to put humans on Mars and retrieve them, the rest of this mission was a giant waste of time?
Team leader: In a nutshell, yes.
Marko (interrupting): VAIT!
(Everybody looks shocked)
Marko: I have someting. (pulls out cylinder) Look! Life on Mars!
(Gasps. Shock. Applause. Marko is an instant hero, carried out of the pressroom on the shoulders of reporters, becomes an instant celebrity around the world while the rest of the team fades to anonymity and day jobs)
There’s no way on Earth … or Mars that any asshole 
would come up with that cockamamie a scheme. Bad writing! Bad!
The microbes are indeed alive; they are viral bacteria, turning dead humans into Skeletor within hours. And they’re pretty good at spreading. So, essentially, this is just a zombie pic with geographic isolation – I’ll give The Last Days on Mars credit for that last part; it’s the basic key to any horror. After that, however, I not wild about anything in this film – it loses track of characters pretty easily (do they die and become zombies or just die)? What happens to the crew members we don’t follow — do they become zombies, too? Last Days never introduces a good way of killing the zombies. Also, the space suits and Martian sand are cinematographic hindrances; they work only in obscuring what’s going on rather than defining who is where, and what he/she needs to do. Finally, by default, the film has set up Liev Schreiber as the action hero. ‘Nuff said.
Honestly, this seems like a waste of Mars. You travel all the way out there to have a crappy horror film? Much like Jurassic Park III, Last Days on Mars feels like you drove across state lines for a stick of butter instead of walking to the corner store. A+ for the overelaborate set-up. D- for plot, action and execution. Only truly idea-bankrupt miners will explore Last Days 2, the Return.
Sojourning on the Planet Red
When crew become creatures of dread
Runnin’ like a fool
From some weaponless ghoul
Seriously messin’ with my street cred
Rated R, 98 Minutes
D: Ruairi Robinson
W: Clive Dawson
Genre: Space monsters
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Martians
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Earthlings
