Justin Bieber is hunted and killed in the opening scene. For whatever else this film might offer, I think you have to give it up for that moment, doncha? Dudes – they killed off Justin Bieber before the opening credits. Even those who loathe Ben Stiller to the core have to appreciate that, don’t they?
This is one of those irrelevant reviews, isn’t it? It matters not what I think of Zoolander 2. So, I strive on for the sake of posterity or some other bullshit, cuz it sure ain’t to change any minds.
Derek Zoolander (Stiller) is a model idiot. The older Stiller gets, the less this works and he was playing a has-been in the original Zoolander, fifteen years ago. The backstory here is that Derek’s dream project: The Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good was destroyed two days after the unveil. The joke being that the full-size building was created from the exact same materials as the hand-held model, mostly balsa wood and airplane glue. This joke is two parts funny and one part tragedy as it costs Derek the life of his wife, the eventual custody of Derek, Jr. (Cyrus Arnold) … oh, and it scarred for life the face of frenemy/rival Hansel (Owen Wilson). Derek has been hiding in “New Jersey” ever since; meanwhile, Hansel got every member of his orgy pregnant, including Kiefer Sutherland.
This is the correct level of the humor in this film – do you want to see several scenes of Kiefer Sutherland talking about his 
pregnancy, Will Ferrell as Mugatu (the evil cinematic equivalent of the pointy-haired boss) or Kristen Wiig as some demented Lady Gaga fashion mogul? If so, this could be your film.
When celebrities take dying selfies of their best Derek Zoolander look, Billy Zane is summoned to pull Derek and Hansel back into modeling, where they are subsequently humiliated. Now, I hear you – “modeling has changed.” That it has. And you would think that given how into a-traditional models we are these days, this film would be a little kinder to the ancient relics, model-speaking-wise, but I suppose that’s part of the joke. Zoolander 2 is a lot of hit-and-miss. A little more miss than hit, I think. I can’t say anything Stiller or Wilson did gave me a grin, but the swarm of cameo performances did. I died at the moment Derek steps onto a balcony to question his entire existence only to have the pan find Hansel, Katy Perry and Neil deGrasse Tyson all, in turn, contemplating personal existence and relative meaning. That did it for me; it might not for you.
Derek’s back and it ain’t a thriller
Between winning jokes is much fashion filler
Mediocrity’s equal
Inspiration for sequel?
Zoolander 3; my heart be Stiller
Rated PG-13, 102 Minutes
D: Ben Stiller
W: Justin Theroux, Ben Stiller, Nicholas Stoller and John Hamburg
Genre: Mockery
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Cameo jockeys
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Models, fashionistas
