Do you really want to live through the apocalypse? Have you ever asked yourself this? Do you want to live in a bunker for a year or two with the kind of person who would actually build a bunker? Personally, I don’t. Not one little bit. Radiation, take me now. Easy to say as I’ve hit middle age – and it will be even easier to say as I grow old. Is this why old people are (generally) so gung ho to use the military? “Don’t have to worry about my future.” Don’t be that guy.
Honestly, I’ve missed Mary Elizabeth Winstead. After her Ramona Flowers, I kept waiting for the performance that gets people talking about her again. This is it. Michelle (MEW) is just your average Goodbye Girl; leaving the ring on the bedpost, she heads off for wherever, refusing Ben’s pleas for reason and reconciliation over smartphone. And then something runs her off the road. Instant karma? That thought is kinda spooky, huh? Just wait. You don’t know spooky.
Michelle wakes up attached to an IV on a mattress in windowless basement. Her injured knee is cuffed to a rail. Holy shit, is this some sort of empowering Saw remake? She scans the room for freedom … “Please don’t find a hacksaw … please don’t find a hacksaw … please don’t find a hacksaw …” Now, I hate to give a plot point so big, but it happens early, very early, was suggested by the trailer, and it’s impossible to write anything more about this film without it, so I’m gonna spoil, slightly: Howard (John Goodman) is not Jigsaw. I’m sorry I had to do that.
Coming off the heels of the claustrophic Room, 10 Cloverfield Lane is just as good at conveying the trapped feeling and the inherent danger in keeping free souls in locked boxes. Unlike Room, however, this limited universe has a lot more to offer. Just how much of a control freak is Howard anyway? And 
can Michelle get fellow inmate Emmett (John Gallagher Jr.) to grow a sack or what?
10 Cloverfield Lane, thankfully, is almost entirely unrelated to it’s predecessor, the original handshot study in nausea. Wait. Wait. I’m not done panning the first; it preceded my blog window and thus avoided most of my vitriol. The original Cloverfield was the very worst shot film I’ve ever seen in a theater. Very worst. I wish the Golden Turkeys had a cinematography award. It doesn’t matter how scary, how entertaining, or how meaningful your film is if every scene makes you want to vomit. Twas a shame, because it seemed like a decent monster movie otherwise.
This film is not about monsters; it’s about imprisonment and choice. And it’s about darn time Mary Elizabeth Winstead gave something I wanted to see. How do you prefer your prison? Teen Beat mags, puzzles and jukebox full of oldies or death-by-atmosphere? I say, “none of the above,” but that didn’t stop me from loving this film.
♪Captives behave
Or else, the warden’s gonna beat down
And watch what you save
Because that guy’s
Controlling everything that he can
He’s the only one that knows the plan
Rationing favor like bakery treats
Discovering no difference between
Sadist and freak until you say
I think we are prone now♫
Rated PG-13, 103 Minutes
D: Dan Trachtenberg
W: Josh Campbell & Matthew Stuecken and Damien Chazelle
Genre: Lesser of two evils
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Survivalists
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Claustrophobes
♪ Parody inspired by “I Think We’re Alone Now”
