Did some rich douchebag bet the he could make the most overblown turd of the year? Running with the premise that nothing isn’t improved with CGI, the producers of Gods of Egypt computer generated every single shot in the film. Now, maybe they can computer generate an audience to watch it.
I thought Speed Racer looked fake. Gods of Egypt took that as a challenge.
It is coronation day for young master Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), Egyptian god of the air. King Osiris (Bryan Brown – another Byran Brown sighting!) is giving over the reins. Why? What has precipitated this event? Nothing. Not a single thing. Not a calendar issue or a health issue or a need for new government. Horus is the new king just because. Ah, who’s there to spoil coronation day, but the Egyptian god of brogue, Set (Gerard Butler; he passed for Spartan, why not Egyptian?). In front of thousands of computer generated citizens and dozens of gods of various colors, Set records game and match by taking down Horus and stealing his eyes for good measure.
Ok, I get that Egyptian gods are taller than humans, like 10-11 feet or so in this telling, so it’s hard for the people to revolt, especially as they aren’t really there, but all you other gods – you’re all good with this brazen coup? My guess? The Age of Horus wasn’t exactly welcomed by the rest of the gods. Just a guess.
Set’s reign is marked by a decision to enslave everybody and create to world’s tallest phallic symbol. That’s when peasant Bek (Brenton Thwaites) decides it’s time to rip-off Indiana Jones. During what is best desciribed as a video game segment in which he rethieves the eye of Horus, his fiancée is killed by Alex Proyas homie Rufus Sewell. And thus, out of necessity, two B-listers (Coster-Waldau and Thwaits, attorneys at law) decide on an uneasy friendship. The beautiful frienships are on the western side of the continent.
On some level, you gotta hand it to a bunch
of guys that looked at the Percy Jackson films and said, “I bet we can underwhelm even more!”
Each scene in Gods of Egypt seems to introduce a new objective as if the story is being made up as it goes … by a shitty story-teller. New set, new motivation. Does it matter that the one doesn’t necessarily follow the other? Not really. At the end of the day, it’s a dull white guy against a green screen playing an Egyptian. And then a scene with less convincing action than muppetry occurs. Again and again and again and again.
In case you missed it, Alex Proyas’ last movie was Knowing in 2009. You gave us Knowing and then had seven full years to plan something better and came up with this. Seven years. Seven (7) full years to reflect on Knowing and you created Gods of Egypt. Seven.
♪All the CGI is fake
No real sand here don’t you know
If you need some food (oh whey oh)
Worry not, just call up Dominos
And this bizarre script is a pile
Written like somebody lost a bet
Gold everything (oh whey oh)
And a Scot is playing the god Set
Foreign grins with pale skins say
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh
White like an Egyptian♫
Rated PG-13, 127 Minutes
D: Alex Proyas
W: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless
Genre: Overload
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Member of the CGI team
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Actual Egyptian gods
♪ Parody inspired by “Walk Like an Egyptian”
