Hot Bot

Sometimes I imagine being on trial for the quality of my character. And I try to make a convincing case that I am a decent and upstanding human being. But whatever points I try to score on decency and human kindness are thwarted by the prosecution cutting in with something on the order of, “Mr. McManus, did you, or did you not, choose of your own volition, to watch Hot Bot?”
“Well, yes-“
“No more questions, your honor.”

After that, I’m sentenced to something. Knowing me, it would be watching Hot Bot for eternity on an endless overseas flight through a fuzzy three inch screen with bad sound … while sitting next to somebody with boundary issues.

Ok, if I’ve earned Hell, I’m taking you with me, Hot Bot. The Hot Bot industry refers to robots created for sexual pleasure. Ok, that’s not a wonderful premise to sell American audiences. Well, it’s not a wonderful premise, period. This has misogyny written all over it. And when “Bardot” (Cynthia Kirchner) ends up not in the hands of her, for lack of a better word, owner, Senator Biter (Larry Miller), and instead – predictably and stupidly—winds up with drive-thru window morons Limus (Doug Haley) and Leonard (Zack Pearlman) … well, this is just fantastic, because Weird Science really needed a reboot, right?

This Frankensteinian sex machine gets lost in the woods by Senator Biter flunkees Anthony Anderson and Danny Masterson. The idiot boys run over the thing and then decide to put the “dead girl” in the car and figure out what to do later. While I wasn’t wild about this story development, it did lead to the legitimately funny moment when the more dominant idiot, Leonard, concludes, “we’re too young to make the right decision.”  There’s nothing like knowing the right thing to do and ignoring it completely. Ahhhhh, youth. The meek Limus has a collection of parents desperate for work after their sitcoms concluded (Donald Faison and Angela Kinsey); this ultra-religious pair sees the boys struggle with the body and asks them to remove whatever it is they brought in the following day.

It gets better. In the morning, Bardot wakes (does this make any sense?), she comes out of the shower (does that make any sense?) and looks for some teen sex, but then “dies” and needs a credit card to activate. I’m sorry, really? This isn’t a sex bot; this a prostitute sex bot?! And then the boys turn into absolute wusses while Bardot finds feminism through religious instruction. I’m sorry, whaaaaaaaa?! Look. Don’t read that again. It doesn’t matter.

Lemme sum this up – sex bot not having sex. In fact, sex bot not even sexy after the initial shower towel moment.

I’d like to say I didn’t know that this was a film in which awkward teen boys had sex with a crappy actress pretending to be a robot.  I cannot claim that; the blurb certainly made it appear that this was case. What I didn’t know was that this film didn’t have any teen boys having sex with a crappy actress pretending to be a robot. What’s worse than a cheap, hideous, sexist premise? Failure to deliver on the cheap, hideous, sexist premise. And a bad message to boot – finally having one non-Leonard sounding wall in his life, Limus actually falls in love with Bardot. She ain’t that advanced; this is like falling in love with a pocket calucator.

If you’re gonna make a movie like this, you have to look at the classier options, like Her and Ex Machina … films in which the electronic simulation has genuine thoughts and feelings (or at simulates such). No. This sad ripoff of Weird Science contributed nothing to the genre but blue balls. Aside from the occasional funny line and a scene of torture by large dildo, I can’t even recommend this to the horny teen boys it’s supposed to appeal to.

Perv corner: the most nudity in this film came from … wait for it … wait for it … a full rear view of 62-year-old Larry Miller. I suppose there are a few brief topless shots in Hot Bot, but you’ll get greater gratification from a Victoria’s Secret catalog. This is the kind of teensploitation film that turns you off teensploitation. You’ve been warned.

Two teens try for sex with a toy
A machine made for such employ
Ain’t nobody score
By front or back door
In this Mudville, there was no joy

Not Rated, 86 Minutes
D: Michael Polish
W: Mark Polish, Michael Polish (you know, fellas, I appreciate the initiative taken, but you can’t make great film by polishing the celluloid)
Genre: Films you hope nobody catches you watching
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The twelve-year-old version of me … but he wouldn’t like it, either
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Feminists