Call me crazy, but I don’t think one should have to take a bullet to earn a little paternity leave. Welcome to Right Wing America Presents. Did you miss our last offering of 13 Hours? Well, congrats! Here’s another chance to enjoy the shooting of evil terrorists and peppering of the conservative agenda with messages like: make sure you don’t know the sex of the in-utero baby, because -you know- testing is evil … and watch the President (Aaron Eckhart) take offense at a cheap gay joke – as he should, homosexuality is shameful! – and don’t even question why his head bodyguard Mike Banning (Gerard Butler) might not have vacation time when his firstborn arrives. Maternity leave? Paternity leave? What are you, a communist?! But of course, the greatest lesson here is that terror is ubiquitous and unceasing. Those guys are always cooking up some new way to take down the West, so shoot them now, shoot them often, and never concern yourselves with morality or collateral damage.
The U.K. Prime Minister has died from surgical complications. Is his death accidental? The funeral has attracted all sorts of world leaders, including the President of the United States. Like in the original Olympus Has Fallen, Hell 
breaks loose, this time in the form of police-disguised agents out to destroy every London monument regular folks can name, killing several prime minsters, grand poobahs, imperial wizards and, I think, Princess Peach in the process. Well, there’s an issue right there – the funeral is in 15 minutes; what is the Italian president doing at Westminster Abbey? Why is the German chancellor at Buckingham Palace? Why is Frenchy on the Thames? Are state funerals considered casual affairs in Europe? Do you just show, you know, whenever?
Realizing they’re outnumbered and vulnerable, Mike races the still-alive American President back to the air strip, only to find motorcycled terrorists, heavily armed guerrillas, and surface-to-air missile launchers impeding their escape. Meanwhile, all honest cops have gone into hiding like they’re in witness protection. Our guys are on their own. This movie is more about the relationship between President Asher and bodyguard Banning than anything else. Awwwww, don’t you love a good boss-employee relationship?
Even when mildly entertaining, London Has Fallen often crosses the line between the implausible and the offensive. I’d be pissed were I English – every law enforcement official in the country is depicted as either a stooge or a terrorist. While there is a constant shortage of good guys, there are bad guys a plenty – in uniforms no less – everywhere. They’re at St. Paul’s; they’re blowing up bridges; they’re on rooftops; they’re dressed as Beefeaters. At this rate, I wouldn’t be surprised if James Bond, the Queen and the remaining Beatles are all covert anti-Western agents.
This is a film for shallow-valued, tough-talk folk. Eckhart plays hard to this crowd, defiantly citing the Presidential oath of office when he’s just seconds away from a machete to the neck. If you need to believe that the #1 criteria for choosing a President is how HE responds to a potential beheading, then
this is your “Fantasy Island.”
London Has Fallen was so concerned we missed the message of the film that such was actually included as a non-sequitur right before the closing credits. For no given reason, Veep Trumbull (Morgan Freeman) lets us know that terror is omnipresent and (I paraphrase) “not to kid ourselves. It will happen again even if we crawl under a rock and pretend it isn’t there.” Geez, Morgan, I hope they gave you a lot of dough to spout this evil. All right; as long as you’re offering the Right Wing credo, allow me to counter with truth: yes, you’re right – with the world we’ve helped create, we are probably not going to see an end to terror in several lifetimes no matter how we act. However, it’s disingenuous and deliberately misleading to pretend terrorism occurs without provocation. Oh, I’m sure some does, but the vast majority of terror does not. Even in this film, you blew up the villain’s daughter on her wedding day – that’s what provoked London. If somebody did that to you, there’s a good chance you’d seek over-the-top revenge as well. Recognizing that we as Americans have played a role in creating terrorism is pretty important because that’s stuff we can control. No, terrorism will not end just because we want it to, but our actions – like invading countries unprovoked – often act as catalysts. Personally, I think we’d be much better off terrorism-wise by relying on intelligence over aggression. The encouragement of fear sparks a never-ending cycle of assholery; London Has Fallen should be panned on that count alone.
Your thoughts may differ.
Everybody’s a bad guy
Everybody’s a bad guy
Everybody’s a bad guy
Kill them all
Every day there is evil
Every day there is evil
Every day there is evil
Good may fall
Everyone owes us big time
Everyone owes us big time
Everyone owes us big time
(Our) Guns stand tall
Rated R, 99 Minutes
D: Babak Najafi
W: Creighton Rothenberger, Katrin Benedikt, Christian Gudegast and Chad St. John
Genre: If you don’t watch, the terrorists win
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Fearmongers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: ♪All we are saying … is give peace a chance♫
