So what if the Salem witches were real? What if The Crucible were an honest fact-finding mission and not just an allegory of McCarthyism? Seems to me, there would be some accountability issues, no? You can imagine all the mystery you want, but, I mean, if someone is actually spoiling crops and stealing babies from a hut in the woods, you probably know who it is, right? The town has 50 people on good day and it’s not like there are ash-pale natives dancing naked in the forest. And boatloads of noobs didn’t arrive every day in 1630. It was obviously Obedience Goodewyfe or whomever, gone nuts after her 14th miscarriage.
The Pilgrim council has had enough of William (Ralph Ineson). And he enough of them as well – they just ain’t fearing God the way he thinks they should. Can you imagine being too pious for Puritans? It’s like being too conservative for the Republican presidential debates. And so William, wyfe Katherine (Kate Dickie) and the four, soon-to-be-five children are hence banish-ed from the community. They take up stakes in the Massachusettes backwoodes somewhere near where the Patriots play these days, I’m sure.
And then shit happens. The unfortunately named Thomasin (Anya Taylor-Joy) – I’m being unfair here; the Pilgrims sucked at naming girls in general — is playing peekaboo with the baby when she uncovers her eyes and *poof* junior ain’t there. Just some rustling in the woods 30 yards away or so. And … pretty much life is never the same again. Nor should it be. Unknown to the fam, The Witch has taken the child, butchered it and used the remains as a really exotic body cream – the film shows a baby and a knife, then cuts to a naked woman doing something akin to churning butter and then bathing in what appears to be chunky salsa. All of this is shown through a very dark lens, so it’s hard to make out details or real gore/violence.
More things go wrong. The crops fail, 
mom’s silver cup goes missing and the asshole twins – seriously, those punk bastards need to be sacrificed anyway—start claiming they’ve had conversations with the goat. And every time there’s something inexplicably amiss, Thomasin seems to be right dead center of the finger-pointing. Man, could 17th C. New Englanders accuse or what? Seriously, never play “The Blame Game” with a Puritan.
The Witch is being lauded as ground-breaking horror, but I’m not quite on board. I suppose this could qualify as scary if your only knowledge of the genre was Abbott & Costello Meet the Mummy, but otherwise? Not so much. The gift of The Witch is atmosphere – secluded, bleak, suddenly paranoid. Nothing on screen has half the payoff in deed as we get in mood. And, you know what? You’ll get a more intense version of that same feel from the trailer. Honestly – I say if you’re curious, but you don’t know whether or not you ought to see The Witch, watch the trailer and call it a win.
♪Dancin’ naked in moonlight
That Salem Shuffle causes crop blight
Workin’ spells to make you stay
Uses babies as her Oil of Olay
Woo hoo, witchy woman
See her steal the dog away
Woo hoo witchy woman
Want to join? Ask the goat today♫
Rated R, 93 Minutes
D: Robert Eggers
W: Robert Eggers
Genre: C.S.I. Salem
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Directors
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: 17th Century Puritans
♪ Parody inspired by “Witchy Woman”
