There was indeed a miracle in this film. Sean Bean was heavily armed for the entire length of the production and failed to die. It’s a miracle! Praise Jesus!
I suppose there will always be a market for “Muppet Babies,” li’l Wolverine and all sorts of origin stories, huh? And yet, I’m not sure why someone decided it was a good idea to explore a year in the life of seven-year-old Jesus Christ. Even among the true believers –I ask you now, are you really curious about what that precocious little Son of God is up to? I mean, it’s kind of a lose-lose, isn’t it? Either you’re shown something you don’t want to see or you’re bored silly. Young Jesus probably wasn’t much of a Bart Simpson type, right? And what’s less engaging than a movie about Rod Flanders?
In Egypt, Jesus (Adam Greaves-Neal) is bullied. He turns the other cheek, of course. I expect nothing less from Young Master Lord and Savior. A girl champions his cause and then the bullies go after her, so, get this – some sort of demon/Satan guy tosses an apple onto the road, bully kid steps on it, loses his balance, falls flat on his face … and dies. Of what, embarrassment? Turns out, this is just a way to introduce some conflict into the life of scamp Jesus. The onlookers buy into the “Jesus did it” furor, hence the mini-Deity is called upon to resurrect a soul to save a stint at Sphinx Juvy.
You want action? That was it, folks. Rest of the film is a few questions and a lot of walking. Jesus needs to know who he is, of course. Sure, that seems important. This isn’t quite a self-exploration on the order of The Temptation of Christ. OK, it isn’t anywhere close to Last Temptation. All The Young Messiah had to say was, “Jesus is the son of God.” And he can play Old Testament trivial pursuit with the best of rabbis. Exciting, hard hitting stuff.
I’ve noticed little Jesus has brown eyes. Did they turn blue as he got older?
We’ve discussed praying on film. I don’t care whether or not you do it in person. If that’s how you need to be spiritual, dude, go for it. But on film? The most boring thing you can put on celluloid. Praying is something you include when you can’t figure out anything else for your character to do. And if you include it multiple times for the same character, you really have to
ask yourself why you made the film. These things are supposed to entertain.
Obviously, entertainment is not at the forefront of Young Messiah. Good thing, too, because Young Jesus just isn’t terribly interesting. He doesn’t push limits, play scientist, talk back, start pranks, get in trouble, any of that. Has a tendency to wander … and heal things. If he’s raising an army of the dead, well, then you gotta something. Otherwise, Jeez kid, I hear you can do miracles –go invent Nintendo. The problem here is if your lead is already God-like and benevolent, there isn’t room for character growth. And he doesn’t need to “learn a lesson,” because he’s Jesus Christ; he doesn’t learn, he teaches.
My guess is that when the producers realized the film had very little to say when presenting a lead character incapable of vice, they decided to add some Romans (like Sean Bean) for a good old-fashioned chase. Well, I say “chase.” What actually occurred was armed bad guys on horseback trotting daintily after a ragged holy man and his crew for an hour. If you want the good version of this tale, check out hour seven of The Ten Commandments.
♪Don’t know jack ‘bout history
That just doesn’t concern me
I decide what is true
I’m gonna make my brown God blue
Doesn’t matter what you know
Gonna let my fiction grow
I’ve got big news for you
We’ve already made our brown God blue♫
Rated PG-13, 111 Minutes
D: Cyrus Nowrasteh
W: Betsy Giffen Nowrasteh and Cyrus Nowrasteh
Genre: Messin’ with the Messiah
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People who go to church on the off days
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Satan!
♪ Parody inspired by “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Blue”
