The cross-section of North Americans who enjoy hockey fights is not necessarily large, but it is significant – and now you have two (2!) decent films that celebrate glove-droppin’ and head-boppin’. Slap Shot remains the superior of the two, especially as the dated feel takes us back to when helmets were not a requirement on the ice, but Goon certainly has the same primal love of fist-to-jaw while wearing skates. If this is your thing, this is your thing.
Taking Slap Shot a step further, Goon explores the soul of the thug. I don’t quite know why the hockey fighter is thought less of than boxers or wrestlers. Shoot, it seems like every time there’s a major motion picture devoted to the life of a boxer, the guy is always up for an Oscar the following winter, but when you fight in little league, noooooooooo. “Aw, c’mon, ump! That’s it; we’re goin’!” Sorry, got distracted. Soul is among the short list of assets for Doug Glatt (Seann William Scott). Compared to Glatt, SWS portrayed Jesse and/or Chester from Dude, Where’s My Car? as a savant. Doug Glatt is a simpleton — an honest, pure, dim bulb who has a talent for beating the tar our of men with his bare fists and that’s about it.
Doug starts the film as a bouncer. We don’t see him bounce, but it makes sense. His friend Pat (Jay Baruchel) has some sort of Wayne’s World amateur show where he discusses the hockey fights of the week; I say, “discuss,” but mostly he describes the action with one-word exclamations. As Pat’s Garth, Doug often shows up and acts as a piece of furniture might. One evening at the ice fights, a bus league player decides he wants a piece of audience member Pat and/or Doug and climbs over the partition to get some. Doug steps up with such a brutal beat down, he’s asked to try out the following day. Doug can’t skate. But after clumsily marching onto the ice in full gear and figure skates, he falattens half the team by himself. It’s only a matter of time before you make the pros, son.
Shortly afterwards, Doug is promoted to the higher minors, where I’m guessing the league is in desperate need of hooligans. He takes on his own Nuke LaLoosh, Xavier LaFlamme (Marc-André Grondin), a once promising rookie, now demoted after being destroyed by professional Goon, Ross Rhea (Liev Schreiber). It’s a shame Doug can’t really skate because that move where a fast-moving thug rams a skilled player against the boards is really effective. Unfortunately, I know this from the wrong end of personal experience (and in my case, I use the term “skilled” very loosely). Unable to skate his way to thuggery, Doug will just have to Goon it up with his fists while Ross Rhea awaits.
I know this is a movie, but … don’t you find it just a tad insulting to have Doug on the ice during actual game play? His skills and game understanding are less than that of your average Canadian toddler. There are a lot of people who can block a goalie’s view or clear out a crease, and some of them actually know what to do with the puck if they get it. I suppose this is just jealousy talking – but my limited hockey skillz far exceed Doug’s, and I’m not even good enough for most American high school teams. I’m going to imagine this is flawed plotting – there are different ways of punishing one player or demonstrating Doug’s worth to the team than putting him on the ice during critical situations. No, I suppose the dénouement wouldn’t be as dramatic, but neither should the final game have been. I’d have fired the coach for his use of Doug. No question.
Goon is the film Slap Shot fans waited a generation or two to find 
again. It does an excellent job of capturing the matter-of-fact nature of the hockey enforcer; for some, it’s passion. For some, it’s protection. For some, it’s just a job – the fights which look so vicious from afar are often contested between two guys who have no animosity for one another. It’s just a job. Uncomplicated yes, Doug Glatt is still a guy you root for. He has strong idea of what team and loyalty means and is always willing to put his body on the line. Doug is 100% genuine, hence we want him to to succeeed at hockey – or his version of it – and get the girl (Alison Pill). I’m not sure this film works if Doug is a closet genius or selectively immodest.
Oh, who am I kidding? Of course it would work; all we care about are hockey fights, and this film has plenty of ‘em.
♪Some players skate and some just wait
On the bench, thugs ride the pine
Hands of stone and snail’s gait
“Sit ‘til you get the sign”
Whaddaya know, it’s time to go
“Get out on that ice!”
A tooth, some blood, what do you know?
A suspension, ain’t that nice.
Oh, The Good Old Hockey Game
Pick a scapegoat to blame
Sport #4 forever more
It’s The Good Old Hockey Game♫
Rated R, 92 Minutes
D: Michael Dowse
W: Jay Baruchel & Evan Goldberg
Genre: The soul of thuggery
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: ♪Do I play hockey?!
Well, I play Air hockey, Ball hockey, Barn Hockey, Bubble Hockey, Field hockey,
Floor hockey, Ice hockey, Kitchen hockey, Road hockey,Roller hockey, Table hockey, Twist hockey
And I play hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey all the time! ♫
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Sport purists
♪ Parody inspired by “The Hockey Song”
