The American Wild West blew. A Million Ways to Die in the West had the thesis right; it just didn’t execute to a logical conclusion. Like your partner? I sure hope you do. He/she might be the only other person you see this month. Enjoy that book of yours, too. That’s your entertainment this winter … that is when you have precious down time. Don’t get sick, ever. Congratulations! Three of your ten children made it past the age of six! And that’s if nobody with a gun is out to make your life miserable.
Speaking of which, today’s film is Jane Got a Gun. Thankfully, Jane (Natalie Portman) is only out to make my life miserable from an entertainment perspective. Mostly, this New Mexico transplant is in trouble herself. One day, husband Bill (Noah Emmerich) returns home wearing bullets. “The Bishops are coming” he softly warns before passing out. Well, it seems bullets are the new tweed. What goes with fifty shades of leaded gray? Is Portman a winter?
Jane Got a Gun would be a pretty darn short movie if told in just the present, so we need some backstory, and his name is Dan (Joel Edgerton). Edgerton wrote himself here as the poor sap who ghosted his relationship with Jane in favor of Civil War. After some injuries and some capture, Dan failed to return to Missouri (sorry, “Mizzoorah”), and Jane and child thumbed their way west with the dastardly Ewan McGregor, who may or may not be a Bishop brother; I’m still not clear. What is clear is Ewan and his pearly smile were in charge, evil, and ready to profit off a single woman. Like I said, the Old West blew.
Natalie Portman is a good role model for feminism; she asserts herself well on film even when she’s several feet shorter than her coworkers. And she’s the kind of character 
her screen companions tend to belittle, objectify, or dismiss out-of-hand only to be reminded that she will fight back when pressed. That said, she takes a fair amount of abuse as the titular heroine. And the movie punishes her for leaving Dan behind as well, but what exactly was she supposed to do? He was gone for three years.
Jane Got a Gun is a terrible title. Just awful. As if it were not a bad title on its own, it’s also historically bad. Part of the problem with having a long memory for certain details is … having a long memory for certain details. “_________ Got a Gun” is the same name as that stupid stock piece Nick Nolte recycles in I Love Trouble. Thank you, two-star film for invoking a one-star film. It doesn’t help your film or your cause; it only makes you look more asinine to people like me.
♪Jane has got a gun
This movie has begun
Her villains come for fun
Her ex- has said he’s done
Jane has got a gun
Gonna need more than one
More kills before it’s done
No phaser set on “stun”♫
Rated R, 98 Minutes
D: Gavin O’Connor
W: Brian Duffield, Anthony Tambakis & Joel Edgerton
Genre: Western justice
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Who misses petticoats?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of equality … and indoor plumbing
♪ Parody inspired by “Janie’s Got a Gun”
