Some films are better as TV shows. You have to realize that television has caught up … well, I had to, at least. Not all television, of course, mostly it’s the extra pay channel stuff in which the normal inhibitions of the medium (lack of explicit violence, lack of explicit nudity, lack of special effects, lack of star power, lack of budget, substandard acting, and watered-down issues) are now a thing of the past. For these venues, television has not only caught up, but in many ways surpassed it’s big-screen cousin because television will have something movies will never have: long-term character development.
Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not about to switch my personal medium; movies are still my thing and probably always will be. But I can no longer dismiss TV as inferior outright because in many cases right now, exactly the opposite is true. And some movies shouldda been TV shows … like today’s offering, the Indian family drama Kapoor and Sons (since 1921). I see the producers wisely curtailed the “(since 1921)” part. The parenthetical suggests a family business which isn’t shown or even hinted at in the movie, which, in turn, leads one to ask, “if it’s not about a family business, does that mean the Kapoors have only existed since 1921? I couldn’t be more lost.
Successful English novelist Rahul Kapoor (Fawad Khan) and his brother, failed American novelist Arjun Kapoor (Sidharth Malhotra) have returned to India because “the Boy Who Cried Wolf” is, apparently an international phenomenon. Ancient patriarch Amarjeet Kapoor (Rishi Kapoor – seriously, did you write this thing?) likes to fake heart attacks on a daily basis. Seventy-ninth time is the charm, apparently, as the camera finds him down and out one morning, artificially creating a family reunion at the hospital. Turns out gramps is a dirty old man as well; I swear this is the kind of character movie fans love but in real life you’d want to punch him until he passed out. “Please gramps, stop talking about women you want to score with in the same sentence as (dead) grandma.” Just how many times are we gonna do Dirty Grandpa this year?
Kapoor and Sons is mostly about the sons; does the romantic lead (Alia Bhatt) prefer Rahul or Arjun? Did Rahul steal Arjun’s novel? Can the boys create peace between increasingly antipathetic parents? And do they really need to brings gramps a lifesize wet saree cutout to pleasure himself?
And look, I don’t want to spoil this thing, but Kapoor meanders slowly for a while exploring these minor, and fairly resolvable, tensions for about 100 minutes. And then, Good Ganesha, what in the
name of the Taj Mahal? In one five minute span, without warning, we get: one infidelity reveal, one different infidelity ownership, one coming out of the closet, one life-altering child betrayal and a death. What, that’s all ya got? And this, my friends, is when and where TV is superior – because you can’t resolve all that in ½ hour. Nor would you want to. That’s five episodes right there. Maybe a season. And it’s ridiculous to pour all of that into one curiously short amount of time and make one actress sit there in front of the camera trying to feel it all at once. It’s like a trickle of non-issues forming a small creek suddenly yields to a dam breaking with a raging river of all manner of ills destroying all in its path.
Kapoor, seriously, who edited you? I feel like it was somebody who just couldn’t keep it in his pants long enough. Yeah, yeah, blasé, pleasant, ooh she’s pretty, uh huh, gramp’s a perv, mom and dad have issues, yeah, kiss, yeah, smile, OH, IT HAPPENED! Show some control, fella. And don’t you dare try to end a film like this on a happy note.
Rahul and Anjun battlin’ over fame
And favor from all in some kind of game
Ho hum, rival brothers
Suddenly life smothers
Add enough issues, you’ll forget whom to blame
Not Rated, 132 Minutes
D: Shakun Batra
W: Shakun Batra, Ayesha DeVitre
Genre: Family better off not reuniting
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of rapidfire issues
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Folks who prefer TV drama
