Once again, Garry Marshall has successfully negotiated the American calendar.
Well … sorta.
See, here’s the thing – Mother’s Day announces the timeline in a graveyeard – the prettiest graveyard you’ve ever seen, btw. Bradley (Jason Sudeikis) and his two daughters are discussing the tragedy that his wife has been dead “a year now.” And yet, “this will be the first Mother’s Day without her.” Wait a sec. Mother’s Day varies, yes, but not like Chinese New Year; we don’t celebrate Mother’s Day by lunar cycles. If Mother’s Day is still half-a-week away and you’re remembering something from last year, it either preceded or coincided with Mother’s Day, in which case, bullshit. “Why does this matter, Jim?” I’ll tell you why – because if you associate Mother’s Day with the death of your wife or mother, as any normal human would do under said circumstances, odds are that the following Mother’s Day would not be used as a springboard to mourn the wife, briefly, and, hence, move on (as this film suggests).
And there it is, the summation of this film – heart in the right place, but every moment is … wrong.
Take, for instance, Sandy (Jennifer Aniston) getting her hand stuck in a candy machine. Yes, for the second time in a month, there’s a plot point of a malfunctioning candy dispenser in a hospital. Forgive them, Demolition, they know not what they do. Now as a person who trolled candy machine dispensers for a time, I can attest to the fact that the combination exit flap/candy guard design has successfully deterred human adult forearms from collecting ill-gotten sugary treats for decades … and yet, Jennifer Aniston managed to get her arm high enough to have her bracelet caught in one of the spiral releases. Look, 10 for 10 on the attempt to reunite Ms. Aniston and Mr. Sudeikis following We’re the Millers, but 1 out of 10 for thoughtful execution.
Ok, so this is another one of those Love Actually knock-offs where they jumble a bunch of half-assed story-lines in
an effort to disguise the fact that not a single one of the tales is worth telling on its own. Let’s see if I can muddle through this:
1) Jason Sudeikis and kids getting over mom. Cute, but seriously mishandles father-daughter relationship, and the conclusion is 20% “Awwww” and 80% “WTF?!” This is how you celebrate Mother’s Day the first year after mom dies? “Let’s have a big party and move on?” Glad I’m not married to you. 3/10
2) Jennifer Aniston coming to terms with being a part-time wife and mother. Her ex- (Timothy Olyphant … or Josh Duhamel; I honestly cannot tell which is which) has remarried. The new wife is, of course, a movie strumpet. Like most young-ish divorced folks, both partners own luxury homes. Not sure how either earns a living, but we can’t have Jen Aniston living in a shack, can we? Also, Olyphant/Duhamel probably wouldn’t be able to attract a bimbette without an indoor pool of his own, so this all makes sense. Now get a load of their boys giving their mom of forever and their “new mom” of one month the same thing for Mother’s Day. Quality writing. 3/10
3) Two thirtysomething neighbor sisters (Kate Hudson and Sarah Chalke) and both hiding big secrets from bigoted parents. It is actually sad how wrong this storyline moves – either these women don’t know their mother, or they’ve been been heartless jerks for years; neither thought is addressed or even hinted at. 2/10
4) Julia Roberts seems to be in this film for some reason. She’s a single non-mother who sells crappy jewelry on QVC. Returning to her story will make sense eventually … but it’s possible you won’t care by the time it does. 3.5/10
5) And, finally, a story I almost enjoyed … perhaps because the couple in question both had jobs and realistic lives to go with their fabricated controversy: Zack (Jack Whitehall) wants to marry Kristin (Britt Robertson). They live together; they
work together; they’ve had a baby together, but she has cold feet. Oh, this I gotta hear. What, you think there’s a bigger commitment out there than the steps you’ve already taken? I suppose this plot made the least sense, but these two were the easiest to relate to. 4/10
Do any of these people work? I suppose some did. Eventually, we discover how a few of them afford their suburban mansions. Hey! Cute people don’t live in holes! Remember that.
Do you think Hector Elizondo just hangs out in Garry Marshall’s closet? Maybe they keep him in a glass case with a big hammer nearby and an inscription reading, “IN CASE OF ILL-CONCEIVED COMEDY, BREAK GLASS.” I suppose it’s just too far fetched to assume both he and Larry Miller are there hanging out together 24/7.
Look, if you can put your brain on hold and weren’t born with a shred of skepticism, there are some lovely people on screen doing occasionally almost-amsusing things – well, except for Jen Aniston; she mostly screams. For my money, however, I wish Garry had taken me up on my Fourth of July idea – I can guarantee more laughs if you let me write the script.
It’s time again for holiday
A tenuous theme words do betray
Put your stories in a pot
Mix ‘em up; see what you’ve got
Have a laugh, maybe a tear
No such luck? Just switch a gear
Here’s the secret, doncha know?
Keep your expectations low
Rated PG-13, 118 Minutes
D: Garry Marshall
W: Tom Hines, Lily Hollander, Anya Kochoff, Matthew Walker
Genre: Understanding Mom one fabrication at a time
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People still trying to recover from the laugh riot that was My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Folks with filters
