A very long time have I sought the theatrical adaptation that would honor and cherish the words of Lewis Carroll – one that truly understood the mix of magic and mythology, politics and playfulness, wonderment and wordplay, and the imagination of a brilliant dreamer.
This isn’t it, either. sigh
The current version of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland has, once again, too much Depp and yet, ironically, not enough depth. Let me make this perfectly and 100% clear – I don’t give a doormouse’s ass about the plight of the Mad Hatter’s family. But I’m getting ahead of myself, which actually seems fitting giving how much Alice Through the Looking Glass plays with Time (Sacha Baron Cohen).
Back in our world, Alice Kingsleigh (Mia Wasikowska) has become captain of a trade vessel. I’m not sure the first film even mentioned that Alice had nautical skill; regardless, she escapes pirates like Han Solo eludes the Empire, only to discover that her jilted ex- is still pissed and only too happy to deliver some pain Alice’s way. The ultimatum is thrown down for Alice to live life under his thumb or for she and mother to go penniless. Naturally, Alice solves this dilemma by taking a mystical two-way mirror back to either Wonderland or Underland – I never
got that straight.
This is where the story lost me. See, Alice’s experience here in Wonderland is supposed to provide the background information necessary to deal with her problems in the real world, but instead it seemed just an excuse to trot out the circus clown faces of Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. So Alice shows up, gets a debriefing from the White Queen (Anne Hathaway) and her posse on how Hatter Tarrant Hightopp (Depp) is depressed – yet somehow that hasn’t stopped the man from dressing like a taffy factory exploded. Long story short, Alice has to screw with Time to get Hatter’s family back.
In Wonderland, Time is personified, although it remains unclear to me as to why Time has a Slavic accent of some sort. Next thing, Alice has to steal the flux capacitor or magic phonebooth or whatever they’re calling the time travel vehicle she needs (“Chronometer,” maybe? That makes sense). Alice does this fully knowing 1)she can’t change time and 2)her consequences could end the existence of Wonderland itself. Look, fine, I’m sorry Hatter is upset and all, but does anybody besides me think his depression is not worth the jeopardization of existence? I’m not a fan of tough love, but geez, Hatter, you’re depressed? How about getting a counselor? Tweedledee and Tweedledum, therapists? Part of life is dealing with loss; IMHO, this bloated interpretation of a great work of fiction is actually encouraging humans not to grow. Perhaps that’s the point.
I don’t wish to say this film is unwatchable; far from it. The tea party scene in which Time curses our gang of fools forever was both clever and manic — well, manic yet relatively tame compared to the original Lewis Carroll version. Most scenes with Sacha Baron Cohen were enjoyable; he has some great minions, the “Seconds,” ha! But Alice in Wonderland was never meant to be about Time or the Mad Hatter or the Red Queen; they’re bit players, guiding a small girl through her imagination. The two biggest problems here are that Johnny Depp, actor, requires a bigger part and that Alice is ooooooold. Adult Alice isn’t
allowed to wander in Wonderland and comment until she awakens. Adult Alice has to have an agenda. She has to make things right. Ok, you want to create a different tack from the book; I get that. In your effort to give Alice an agenda, however, we’ve given a lot of attention to the Hatter (seriously, who cares?) and made suspect Alice’s motivations and, quite frankly, even her reason for being there.
The story of Alice, like Robin Hood or The Three Musketeers, is one that will be constantly told and retold, often exaggerating different roles or plot points. Every time Robin Hood gets remade, somebody gets a bigger part than was originally intended. That’s fine, too. But at the end of the day, Robin Hood is about Robin Hood. I don’t need Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland to be about anybody but Alice. Perhaps another Time.
The film was screening bright that day
Showing with all his might
He did his best to display
Colors and sound and light
Which would be great if only the
Show were a pleasant sight
This viewer wasn’t half as pleased
As film was proud, you know
For my eyes beheld nothing
From imagination stow
I remember this being about a girl
Or am I a bit slow?
That Depp kept showing in my face
Painted and plucky and curled
Is this the best adaptation
From furtive words unfurled?
Cannot say I’d visit this for all
Tea parties in the world
“The time has come,” the FrogBlog claimed,
“To review many things
Of stars and clips and ‘shit-is-wack!’
Of Ty Perry rantings.
Of why this franchise sucks out loud
And to whom stench mighty clings.” *
Rated PG, 113 Minutes
D: James Bobin
W: Linda Woolverton
Genre: Playing with Time
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: New parents who only get in two films a year
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Lewis Carroll devotees
Parody inspired by “The Walrus and the Carpenter” by Lewis Carroll (from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)
