My first impression is teeth. My, do Dwayne Johnson and Kevin Hart have some movie star teeth. Where do you suppose you get a smile that can blind a rabbit? I’ve wondered that with Miley Cyrus as well. She can twerk all she wants, but I won’t need to look away until she’s really ecstatic about something.
Central Intelligence is here to remind you both happily and painfully that high school is not the end, but rather an awful un-dress rehearsal for what life may or may not offer you. On the former, we go back twenty years to a time when The Rock (played younger by Sione Kelepi) was an entire cliff face and showered alone while everybody else is at assembly. Mean kids capture and toss the nude behemoth in front of the school exactly as an award is being presented to BMOC, Calvin Joyner (Hart). In a moment of decency I wish I could claim, Calvin –the only one among hundreds not laughing hysterically- offers his letterman jacket to the state capital of Arkansas. Is this a moment of “no good deed goes unpunished?”
Twenty years later, Calvin Joyner, the kid voted most likely to succeed, is a mid-level accountant befriended on reunion eve by “Bob Stone” (Johnson) – in case you’re a bit confused at this point, the actor Dwayne Johnson went by “The Rock” during his professional wrestling days. In Central Intelligence, his character’s given name is the cruel Robbie Weirdicht (geez, it even looks like “Weird Dick”). He changed to Bob Stone as an adult, get it? – and Bob Stone turns out to be a combination lethal machine/social dork. Watching a man cripple armed assailants while wearing a t-shirt depicting a unicorn? New one for me. In fact, finding a man the size of The Rock in a unicorn t-shirt? Also, new on for me. The silly doesn’t stop there; the whale-boy blossomed into Adonis is being hunted by his coworkers at the CIA. And he needs Calvin’s accounting prowess to save the nation and clear his name. One question remains: are unicorn tees standard CIA issue?
This is the symbiotic version of the buddy pic – Bob needs Calvin to claim a social life and Calvin needs Bob to figure out where his life went amiss. Pretty soon, both men are on the run, which precludes most personal growth, although that doesn’t stop The Rock from acting as Calvin’s marriage counselor. That’s probably all you need to know about Central Intelligence right there – if you and your partner went to a marriage counselor and it turned out to be Dwayne Johnson, would you think “this is hilarious?”
The mole in this film has the alias “Black Badger.” In retrospect, I’m quite certain this moniker was given just so the screenplay could make a “Honey Badger” joke. I’m totally ok with that.
I often find Kevin Hart manic and hard to relate to. He’s the loudmouth would-be sex slave. He’s the loudmouth rent-a-friend. He’s the loudmouth who wants to be a cop, but lacks the temperament. In Central Intelligence, Kevin Hart is the guy whose adult life is a disappointment, the guy who has put
off having children for career reasons; he’s the guy who wants to skip the high school reunion for fear of peers judging him. These are much more relatable problems – I showed up unemployed at a high school reunion five years ago. Approaching the school was my personal Bataan Death March – hence, Central Intelligence offers the unique perspective of Kevin Hart, straight man. He’s the guy who thinks Bob Stone may be unbalanced and immediately sides with the agents trying to capture him.
For somebody who goes by “Rock,” Dwayne’s personality is all over the map in this movie. He’s alternatively part dimwit, lunatic, social closet case and repressive time bomb all in one scene; in the next, he’s James Bond on steroids. So let me put this another way: in Central Intelligence, Kevin Hart is the voice of sanity. Now, is that enough to make me recommend this film? Not on your life. Did I like it anyway and against all better judgment? Yes, I did.
There’s a message on the CIA slate:
If you see The Rock, don’t hesitate
Why do you guys care?
Have you got time to spare?
Shouldn’t you be overthrowing a state?
Rated PG-13, 114 Minutes
D: Rawson Marshall Thurber
W: Ike Barinholtz & David Stassen and Rawson Marshall Thurber
Genre: You must think we’re all idiots
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of comic rock
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Farce haters
I’ve been wary of Kevin Hart movies. Kevin Hart is a funny stand-up comedian, but the most promising releases he’s had on paper – Ride Along and Get Hard – were sub-mediocre at best. They both had promising premises and costars that could do comedy, but both landed flat. Maybe they just needed the ridiculousness of The Rock to give them that little extra oomph to make me laugh out loud.
Dwayne Johnson is actually quite a funny actor. He was probably the only good thing in that lamentable follow-up to Get Shorty, Be Cool. And he was pretty damn funny in Pain & Gain. And of course, he and Samuel Jackson still make me laugh out loud in their stand-out scene in The Other Guys where they “aim for the bushes.”
There were a couple of jokes in there that seemed to go over the heads of the majority of the audience. The ending Sixteen Candles reference had the most baffling silence from my cinema. I’m l;ike, “Come on, people! He’s wearing Jake’s sweater-vest! They’re even playing the same Thompson Twins track!” But then again, maybe I’m just of a different era.
But overall, I’d agree with your review and rating. Nicely done, Esseff.