I have but one question: can you name anything in this movie? And I speak to those who have seen this film and are unfamiliar with Warcraft, the video game experience. Now go ahead, try to name anything – a town, a land, a character, an actor. Anything. I recognized Paula Patton beneath ridiculous stalagmite fangs and a layer of wicked witch make-up, but only because (for me) this is her second bad performance in a week. Well, that was something by itself, wasn’t it? Paula Patton, an actress best capable of delivering a mawkish, quasi-sympathetic heroine in a 1.5 star romcom, was asked in Warcraft to carry the emotional vibe of the film for the audience.
For me, asking Paula Patton to carry the acting load is like asking Carrot Top to deliver a eulogy; sure, he does indeed have public speaking skills and is certainly comfortable behind a microphone, but I would hope the family in question could choose a little better.
Oh, HELL NO. I ain’t callin’ it, “Warcraft: The Beginning.” My film said “Warcraft.” That’s it. I don’t want another.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. I’m going to have to go to Wikipedia for this one just to keep from describing certain things as, “the one place in
this entire universe that contains a book” or that “green Stretch Armstrong in serious need of dental care” guy.
Cover me, I’m going in – Draenor! Gul’dan! Azeroth! Durotan! Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! This isn’t working!
Sorry. I wasn’t prepared. Let me try this again … in me speak. There’s a race of huge, ugly greenish CGI guys with warthog teeth. The movie calls them orcs, which defies everything I learned in Dungeons & Dragons. They sacrifice some blue dudes, which opens a huge green portal to another world, a world filled with humans who have never seen orcs before. Most of the humans don’t need the CGI treatment. The orc objective seems to be “go into the other world and punk the locals” (with large, sharp instruments, of course). Warcraft is a film that so easily blends the CGI with actual humans that it is, on occasion, difficult to tell which is which. This would seem an asset except for the fact that all the fights between man an orc seem horribly one-sided. Each orc is built like the hulk while the men are just … shiny. Hence engaging in the two races in hand-to-hand combat, a film objective where a computer guy might excel at his profession, is pointless; it’s like watching a capuchin monkey grapple with a gorilla.
The last paragraph addresses, of course, one of the big differences between this generation and the previous one. In my youth, when a guy went Behind the Green Door to unsheathe his sword, people didn’t usually die.
If anything, the human side of the portal is even more confusing, what with the additional namedropping and the addition of a jealous wizard. Here, let me quote wiki for you:
“Khadgar persuades Stormwind’s king, Llane Wrynn, to consult Medivh [the wizard I was just talkin’ about], the fabled Guardian of Tirisfal, and Llane sends Lothar and Khadgar to Medivh’s citadel Karazhan to inform him of the fel’s presence in Azeroth.”
There. Now you’re just as lost as I am.
Here’s what I saw: swords, fighting. Orcs who are good guys. Orcs who are bad guys. Humans who are good guys. Humans who are bad guys. And the wizard is kind of a dick. And green Paula Patton as some sort of orc-human hybrid is the key to peace in the realms. I swear, when your worlds are referred to as “realms,” you’re already starting from a deficit.
I suppose if you know the world of Warcraft well, the constant namedropping and
sword-raising won’t be huge turn-offs. Even so, I felt almost nothing of what got put on screen made me long for the next scene. Not that the film didn’t try – orc chieftan Durotan (voice of Tony Kebbell) brings his pregnant wife on the first raid. I’m not exactly sure who is jazzed about some orc-ress giving birth during a siege, but sympathy for the newborn was an ongoing theme in the film … a horribly misplaced and curiously underwhelming theme. It’s possible there were good reason behind these actions; then again, it’s possible where in some other realm, this film never gets made. I’m OK with that realm.
♪Stand, toothy CGI, you creatures of green
Jump through that magic back door, attempt to look mean
Sure, those guys do exist, you are a cartoon
Flail orc-hulks, maybe sequel, so fight that army, push your honeymoon♫
Rated PG-13, 123 Minutes
D: Duncan Jones
W: Duncan Jones, Charles Leavitt
Genre: Video gamin’
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Orcs
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The CGI impaired
♪ Parody inspired by “Anchors Aweigh”
