You looked at a history of what? Seven? Eight? previous X-Men films and you came to the conclusion: “what we need here is more blue. We don’t have enough blue guys. I want to make it look like the Smurfs have grown up and started kicking ass…” Ummmm, ok, sure. But if you’ll allow a slight contradiction – you were doing better when you decided the key to these movies was getting the maximum sexy time out of Jennifer Lawrence and Hugh Jackman.
I finally get the obsession with prequels and origin stories – if you don’t tell one, you’re simply waiting for the big battle. If we, say, learn nothing new about Batman, his film may as well be about 15 minutes long. And Batman is a hero with personality; give Superman exposition and you may as well bring a snuggie. Now sure, this got me through several films of my youth, “zzzzz,” “zzzzz,” “zzzzz,” “Hey, finally they’re playing Rollerball again!” But I have discovered in my age of surreason that I don’t care so much about the fights any longer – how and why they decide to battle in the first place is (generally) bigger to me than what they do 
when they get there. And on said count, it’s hard to go wild for X-Men: Apocalypse.
So 5,000 years ago, the Egyptians are having a parade in celebration of yet another of their pyramid schemes when a failed coup encases, but doesn’t kill, Apocalypse (Oscar Isaac, and if you can recognize him through the Tammy Faye Bakker level of cake, hey, fifty points for you). FF to present day (whatever that is), and dumbasses free this Frankensteinian beast who immediately wakes up and makes his own fan club. Apocalypse – and let’s face it, the guy named “Apocalypse?” Nobody has to ask, “is that the bad guy?”- likes to bestow special abilities and then dress his minions as swimsuit models; don’t ask me why a guy asleep since toga time is into modern beachwear – a lot of this film goes unexplained.
Meanwhile, the magic headset of Professor Xavier (James McAvoy) goes off, stating that there is a disturbance in the force or whatever. Apologies. I’m just making 
up my own movie at this point. Let me get back to the real one.
While this new plague hits Egyptland, mutant kiddies attend freak school. Sorry. Guess that word isn’t PC; mutant kiddies can be found in a freak institution. When the two adults figure out what’s happened, it’s time to get the band back together, so up shows Raven (Lawrence) in blue and Nightcrawler (Kodi Smit-McPhee) in blue and Beast (Nicholas Hoult) in blue. If you dig the Blade Runner color scheme as your personal palette, maybe you too can join the X-Men.
While I didn’t dislike X-Men: Apocalypse, I sure didn’t respect it. The only character we really learn anything substantial about this time around is Magneto (Michael Fassbender) and he already seemed pretty pissed off from five movies of backstory before we added to his misery here. I still think nerdy Flash, I mean “Quicksilver” (Evan Peters) is the most powerful X-Man, but his abilities are curiously limited whenever the screenplay calls for it. He may or may not have a big secret for which I spoil that there is no resolution here – which means one of the only elements of true interest for the non-Magneto cast is an off-blue herring. Thanks, movie. I wouldn’t call this movie bad by any stretch – the villain, for all his amorphous power, is worth the conflict; but when I reflect upon, say, how much stronger the personalization of X-Men: First Class was, I find the Apocalypse lacking. Call me when there’s a genuine end to the world.
After re-reading all this, I’m thinkin’ maybe we went the wrong way on En Sabah Nur (a.k.a. “Apocalypse”). I mean, what are minions after all, but just special friends. And what is the end of the world, but a new beginning? I bet after his multi-millennial sleep, he just wanted some companionship. “Meet EnSa, ladies and gentlemen. He enjoys traveling, long naps and making vanquished enemies into furniture. Please leave your information at Catastrophe Mingle…”
Magneto attracts
Just for attacks
Chick makes thunder
Over yonder
Shape-shifting gal
Foe or a pal?
You gotta have a mind
You need somebody kind
Wolvy repairs
Amidst group stares
Feathers as knives
Birdy nosedives
*Poof* there’s Crawler
Make you holler
You gotta have a mind
You may as well be blind
Dude makes lasers
Human tasers
There’s that fast nerd
Powers absurd
Then blue gorilla
Slap you silla
You gotta have a mind
Someone harder to find
Rated PG-13, 144 Minutes
D: Bryan Singer
W: Simon Kinberg
Genre: Blue is the ass-kickingest color
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Mutants
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Storytellers
I can’t really disagree with your review but as a Marvel nerd, there are a couple of corrections. First, Havok’s real name is Alex Summers. The actor that plays him is Lucas Till. Second, Jean Grey does have a super-moniker. It’s Marvel Girl. Hey, I never claimed it was a good one.
It would seem I lied — I care enough to alter my chart per Batman’s suggestions.
This is what I get for editing all my own stuff. Apologies to all “Marvel nerds” out there.
imdb did help me out on Jean Grey; I don’t remember “Marvel Girl” being mentioned in the film, but it is very likely that I was *ahem* asleep during that particular moment or moments. Thank you again, CC.