Independence Day: Resurgence

Perhaps the worst part of a sequel to a sci-fi film that neither deserved nore needed one is the requisite adherence to the mythology of the orginal no matter how far-fetched, stupid or contrived. Twenty years after Independence Day, the Earth survives and thrives anew, using the discovered alien technology to overcome all evils humankind offers. In that span, we managed to rebuild destroyed cities so they all resemble Tomorrowland, we’ve united all cultures and races towards the identification of the true enemy and … we failed to name our foe. Seriously. We haven’t even named these guys. Twenty years. “Gee, I hope they don’t return.” Uh oh, too late.

Yeah, the punks who tore the Earth a new one in 1996 have came back for more. And these unnamed freeloaders quickly established themselves as the Buffalo Bills of the alien world – oh, they returned all right … only to be embarrassed by the exact same jerks who got ‘em last time. Learning nothing is hard!

Out of ideas and personnel, it would seem, the same dudes who defeated the aliens last time need to do it again – the insane reclusive ex-President (Bill Pullman), the coma-inflicted haircut-challenged doctor (Brent Spiner), the enigmatic Jurassic Park chaotician David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum) and his dad (Judd Hirsch). Aliens, you got beat by Old Man Hirsch twice. Your culture sucks.

I am, however, getting ahead of myself. There were a few new sacrificial pilots in the mix. [Read: the producers didn’t wish to match the Will Smith price tag.]  What, you didn’t want to spend $25M on the French Prince? How could it possibly matter? Apparently, while there’s a premium on Smiths, Hemsworths can be employed on the cheap. Still smiting from The Hunger Games, Gale Jake (Liam Hemsworth) is eager to defend the moon (yeah, the moon, don’t ask) at all costs.

So let’s get to the plot here – around the Earth, select folks are so obsessed with visions they start drawing unit circles with an unsolved radius. This simple geometry problem remains without solution and these Earthlings don’t even show their work.  Hence, the geometry fan art may or may not signal the return of the same octopus-like buggers from twenty years ago coming back because they really enjoyed the Earth’s complimentary breadsticks. Apparently, their plan all along was to get to the creamy center of the Earth itself and, much like the owl in that ancient Tootsie Roll Pop commercial, they weren’t patient enough to lick the Earth clean to get there. Clearly, they filled up on bread.  “Advanced culture?!”  Pffft.  Aliens, dudes, that’s how they get ya.

Not bothering with the formalities, these aliens get right to the work at hand, landing an Atlantic Ocean sized vessel on the Atlantic Ocean and then drilling down to drink the Earth’s milkshake. I wish I were making this up, but the imminent threat of these telepathic outerspace celphalopods inspires a front-and-center return of Pullman, Spiner, Goldblum, and Hirsch. Aw, you done upset the wrong fellas; once these guys get their Centrum Silver and Metamucil, you squids are in for at least 10-to-15 minutes of pure pain.

The Earth is now unified, but this is the best we can do, huh? And it’s basically still Americans -and only Americans- fighting these interstellar hacky-sacks, right? World … um, you good with this?

A number of critics have already complained about the idiocy of Independence Day: Resurgence. Me? I’m going to tell you how well it should appeal to a certain segment of the American movie-going public: you’ve got aliens so intent on destroying us they’ll come back again and again. The extent to which we don’t actually give a crap about them is summed entirely within the fact that we haven’t bothered to identify who they are (may as well just label them all “Space Muslims,” huh?) Point is, they’re evil, they have some cool weapons and they hate our way of life, or our freedom, who cares?  All that matters is the threat of annihilation. Madam President, her minions and zillions of city dwellers are destroyed, meaning the only hope available to mankind are rural Americans who haven’t had their guns taken away from them. Well, actually the only hope available is taking out the alien queen, but it’s probably gonna require some local hero who flat-out refused when Obama came to take his guns away, right?

As for the Buffalo Bills of space, well, it’s an honor just to get back to Earth. And I like your spirit. Third time’s the charm, right?

♪At first I was confused. I was mystified
Kept wondering what was your obsession with mass genocide
We spent so many lives and it made us feel so sad
Course you also razed El Lay, so you can’t be all that bad
And now you’re back from outer space
Yeah I’m getting kinda tired of you trashin’ up this place
I should have changed this stupid shlock;
I should have blown you all to Hell
If I’d known for just one second you’d back for a sequel
Oh, now go, march out the door
Just turn around now
And slither (?) down the floor
Aren’t you the race who tried to kill us with your beams
Do you think we’d crumble?
Judd Hirsch ain’t as old as he seems.

Oh no. Not us. We will survive
For as long as Bay and Emmerich are allowed to make this jive
They’ve got all these screens and more
And they’ve got minions by the score
We will survive
We will survive ♫

Rated PG-13, 120 Minutes
D: Roland Emmerich
W: Nicolas Wright & James A. Woods and Dean Devlin & Roland Emmerich and James Vanderbilt
Genre: The Roland Emmerich universe of universal destruction
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The paranoid
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who thought the first was stupid

♪ Parody inspired by “I Will Survive”