Turns out kidnapping children isn’t limited to humans and dingoes. There be giants as well. A Big Friendly Giant (or The BFG for short) to be exact. Ancient, elephantine-eared BFG (Mark Rylance – boy, cashing in on that Oscar already, are we?) cleverly sneaks around populated areas at three in the morning randomly delivering dreams and (as I understand it) abducting children who aren’t asleep. And this is a good guy. Seriously.
Penalized for her
insomnia is 10-year-old Sophie (Ruby Banhill). Don’t worry, she’s an orphan; nobody cares that she’s gone. When does this movie take place again? WWII? Something Dickensian? 1980s, huh. And within the MTV age, the colorless, depressing, gruel-laden London orphanages are still a thing, are they? Ok. Well, say “Hi” to li’l Lord Voldemort for me. Sophie is an habitual insomniac – something tells me she likes being up when nobody else is. Sure, somebody’s got to collect that 2:45 a.m. mail delivery. Seriously.
There seems to be a whole genre of old-folk-face that others find endearing and I … don’t. If 50-foot Mark Rylance stole me away, I’m not sure I’d could see my position in any terms other than horror, but give Sophie her due; she takes it all in stride, after realizing she not going to be eaten, of course. Well, not eaten by the guy who abducted her. The other giants, they “be canney-abbles,” so Sophie should avoid them, which would be easier if she hadn’t been taken in the first place. Oh, and the other giants? All meaner and far larger. Not even sure why there’s a “B” in BFG; he’s an extremely small giant. Seriously.
The BFG is one of those films meant to explore the depths of English whimsy. Doesn’t that sound like a hoot? There are dreams you chase down like fireflies, half the scenes involve food and every scene with a giant contains gibberish in the form of either things 
that don’t actually exist or deliberate mispronunciations. Yeah, after this revyooeewok, I’m going to flbberty-floo my gibbledeepork and hogskwallor the old darneyroot. Seriously.
When I wasn’t asleep during this film, I found two scenes of genius – the kind of fantasy that Steven Spielberg handles as well as any director: One involved the other side of reality at a pond and the other pertained entirely to company having a giant for breakfast. Doesn’t sound like much, but these and cute kid convinced me to give The BFG a reluctant pass. Seriously.
♪You stayed up late to see, girl
Things nobody sees in the light
Like three drunkards takin’ a wee
Or maybe a good bum fight
Now now now
I’m gonna grab ya
Grab ya grab ya
Bring you up North
Lay yourself down, have a sleep
Take it all in and don’t make a peep
BFG
As mythic as goats gruff three
Towers with King Kong, see?
BFG
VIP
EOD
Baby, OMG♫
Rated PG, 117 Minutes
D: Steven Spielberg
W: Melissa Mathison
Genre: Englandy English Crumpet Bullocks
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The late Roald Dahl
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Those who find little attraction in Old English non-sheepdogs
♪ Parody inspired by “ABC”
