Are you intimidated by Tarzan? Dude is raised by apes in the jungle. Communicates flawlessly with a dozen mammalian species. Totally cut. Strong. Handsome. Cunning. Sly. And he comes to England and he’s “Lord Greystoke,” no language or adjustment barrier. I can’t even learn Spanish properly, let alone communicate with lions in the wild or battle gorillas barehanded. I’m sorry, but that’s a pretty high standard, y’know? No wonder the “legend” I grew up with was all, “Me Tarzan, you Jane.” Nobody wanted to point out this guy had a brain capable of mastering anything.
Today, Belgians are the enemy, huh? Well that’s a new one to me. Couldn’t we just call it The Germans? It would make this so much easier. No? Oh, all right. It’s 1884 and the Belgians are all over the Congo, their new favorite plaything after European leaders obnoxiously divvied up the African continent. (As hinted in Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” the Congo and Belgium would conflict for decades upon decades to come.) For now, the Belgians are frustrated that Congo has not proven to be one overflowing cash cow. I think they imagined 
their acquisition to be a giant register you can just open periodically and collect your winnings. Leon Rom (Christoph Waltz, adding “Belgian” to his international identities) is sent to finesse the till open, but Chief Mbonga (Djimon Hounsou) wants Tarzan in return. He and the ape man have some unfinished warring to do.
Meanwhile in England, Samuel L. Jackson shows up to convince “John Clayton” (Alexander Skarsgård) to become Tarzan again. Some secret identity, pal; everybody knows you’re Tarzan. Honestly, this feels like one giant excuse to get Tarzan, his wife Jane (Margot Robbie), his boy Elroy, and Sam Jackson to have a Congo adventure. I cannot fault the film for wanting to do this, nor can I fault it for failure to deliver on a Congo adventure of sorts (we got one, all right). Sure, it’s a little formulaic what with Tarzan having to rescue a kidnapped Jane, and Mr. TheApeman (can I call you “Tarzan?”) retaking the jungle … and there’s that awkward moment when Jane meets “the other primate.” “Me swear, she mean nothing to Tarzan.”
I’m just kidding about that last part; this Tarzan speaks better than Peter Mark Roget. Here’s one part I don’t get, and, quite frankly, I never have — vine travel. Vine travel is canon in the Tarzan narrative, but it doesn’t make sense and never will. You pull on a vine, you leave your feet, and you soar in the desired direction? That makes less sense than Spider-Man’s webbing. For this to work at all, vines have to deliberately choose to dangle and grow in convenient defiance of gravity … OR, they have to be placed there in advance like some weird form of jungle public transportation. And the idea that you could grab one, swing out into a clearing and land on a train where there are no trees within fifty feet of the tracks? Well, I suppose this isn’t exactly a documentary … despite the historical roots of the tale.
Known today as The Democratic Republic of the Congo, this land mass
under 19th C. Belgian control is well over three times the size of Texas. You could place an entire Pennsylvania in there and nobody would be the wiser. So imagining that Tarzan knows it all or that any strategic military effort can be done on the fly with precision is beyond silly. Tarzan and a Belgian platoon could easily avoid one-another if they desired … or even if they did not.
I’m not the first person to have thought of this, and I certainly won’t be the last, but it bothers me that Tarzan is white. There were, quite literally, millions of native Africans who became orphans in the 19th century. One lily-white kid shows up and he becomes The Legend, The King of the Apes?! The producers of The Legend of Tarzan went out of their way to balance the equation, not only including Samuel L. Jackson in Tarzan’s adventures, but also filming several scenes within the African village where Jane was raised. The balance works for the most part; it is a shame that such is necessary.
You know what I want to see? The Urban Legend of Tarzan.
♪With a purposeful bluster and a terrible smell
He gets along with apes just swell
Helpless Belgians on a jungle train
Scream at an unarmed man in vain
He picks up the pace to track a foe
Check it out, Nick Fury in tow
Completely immune to pain and hurt
More comfortable without a shirt
Oh, no. They say he’s on the go … Lord Greystoke!
Talks with any creature you know … Lord Greystoke! ♫
Rated PG-13, 110 Minutes
D: David Yates
W: Adam Cozad and Craig Brewer
Genre: A boy and his apes
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Stellan Skarsgård
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Belgians
♪ Parody inspired by “Godzilla”
