I almost wished I liked soccer so I could be suitably offended by this material. Yes, yes, we’re used to the big sports upset in cinema form, but you kow what? At least Rocky Balboa was a professional boxer when he went toe-to-toe with Apollo Creed. Underdogs seemed to think that all one needs to compete on the soccer pitch is, quite literally, the desire to do so, and maybe not even that. Athletic ability, game intelligence, teamwork, experience, years of perfecting your craft be damned. In the big game, the best player on the Cinderella team is literally a foosball junkie — a guy who might never have set foot on an actual soccer field. This is what we’re gonna go with, huh? In American terms, it’s literally like collecting football fans by knocking on doors and then having the eleven bodies beat the Denver Broncos.
Originally entitled “Metegol,” Underdogs is the product of Argentine director Juan José Campanella, which would explain a number of things. I fully acknowledge that this film plays better to the Argentine crowd it was intended to entertain. I, however, saw the version that pretended the film was set in the United States, where it doesn’t work at all … first off, one has to imagine an alternate version of the United States, one in which we actually care about soccer and we’re good at it (not just our women, that is). The mere fact of one calling it “soccer” instead of “football” advertises my own failed skill set. The villain, Ace (voice of Nicholas Hoult), is American – we’re told he has adopted an English accent for the sake of pretension—Ace is also the best soccer player in the world, which is dead giveaway that he can’t possibly be American. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Somewhere in a dead-end town there’s a teenage kid named Jake (Matthew Morrison) who lives to play foosball. He has hand-crafted the players on the table and given them all names and personalities; it’s a little like playing with dolls, only there’s a limited skill set involved as well. Jake is a wizard at the foosball table. He is also painfully shy, so his insta-spark would-be bae Laura (Ariana Grande) has to make the first move. Jake introduces her to his world of foosball, which for
some reason works. Is this how you put on the moves in Latin America? You let the woman know how much you’re into fútbol and she’s instantly yours? ¡Oye! Who’s at the door but Jake’s personal bully, Ace. Laura pushes a foosball showdown between the boys and these two Jake/Aces go at it with the sack-less sad sack Jake prevailing. We are told it is the first time Ace has ever lost.
FF seven years, and Ace, now an international soccer legend, returns to his hometown with the most godawful inferiority complex known to animated man – he’s still pissed about the foosball game. Oh, and it should be pointed out the Ace seems to be in his 30s now while Jake is still a teen, far as I could tell. So Ace has to destroy the town to get his foosball revenge and the tears sack-less Jake sheds bring his hand carved players to life. Really. Actually, not even that. Jake’s tears bring his favorite player to life, the rest just sort of wake up anyway.
Nobody seems altogether interested in the miraculous God-like powers demonstrated here; Jake just wants to save his little town and all the little buggers care about is soccer – well, except for the vain one, who gets into acting. Don’t ask. And all of this is just a set up for a real soccer grudge match between Ace and his team of all-stars and anybody Jake can find to play against them. Literally. 
That is literally what it is. “Hey, want to play the Denver Broncos tomorrow? No?! Whatsamatta? Don’t you like football?”
Apparently, you can label anything and get somebody to bite. Sure, this animated film is about soccer. You like soccer, therefore you like the film, right? Wouldn’t it be funny if foosball players came to life? What would they talk about? Soccer! Ha ha. I am left with so many unanswered questions – what do the little players actually care about? Are they indestructible? Do they eat? Do they date? What’s their physiology? If they commit crimes and are caught, how would society discipline them? Were they bored while attached to rods their whole lives? Only one brief storyline touched upon anything of interest to me along these lines – Jake clearly favored one side of the table which made the opponents, or at least one opponent, jealous. Ah, now we’re getting somewhere … why do we care more about the Underdogs than their equally immobile opponents? And how does this discrepancy in loyalties manifest itself in personalities? Do the little red guys try harder to win Jake’s affection? Are they sullen? Would they rebel? “You don’t care about me, I’m outta here!”
Well, this movie didn’t seem to care much about me, so I’m outta here, too.
Jake’s gonna try with all his might
To give Ace the life of his fight
He can relate
With skillz that translate
Foosball and soccer are identical, right?
Rated PG, 85 Minutes
D: Juan José Campanella
W: Juan José Campanella, Gast ó n Gorali, Eduardo Sacheri
Genre: Belittling the guy who did something with his life
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Small town xenophobes
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The kind of guy who would write an entire book entitled Soccer Sucks
