You’d think a fifteen year old franchise could offer up more than a sampler plate of plots and themes from other films. Of course, you might also think a 3D cartoon should attempt to appeal to children. Sure, I suppose it does, sorta, assuming your child is into – yoga, pressurized systems, tectonic plate movement, young adult independence, weddings, anniversary reminders, decisions to procreate, searching for love and so many more rugrat-appropriate discussion topics.
Aw, man, I so remember that! I would be, like, in second grade … after taking a steam and balancing my checkbook, I just loved to gab about weddings and yoga. Man, those were the days!
Seriously, do you even understand what kids are?
Now, none of these topics were handled well, of course. Perhaps the two directors and three writers of this film felt that as long as the issues were handled so that a five-year-old could understand them, that same five-year-old would also appreciate them.
Ice Age: Collision Course is like a 99 cent emporium run by a busybody. “You want conflict? We got conflict! You want elephant? We got elephant! You want butt jokes? We got butt jokes!” Every five minutes this franchise adds a new theme and a new character – a new character you can’t kill off and won’t leave, I might add – which is a pretty good trick for a population living in an Ice Age.
This time around, Manny and Ms. Manny (voices of Ray Romano and Queen Latifah) find their child all grown and ready to leave the mammoth nest, so-to-speak. In case this material seems too adult, the film added several ice hockey sequences. Yes, mammoths and ice hockey and not-at-all borrowing from a really good animated film from 2015. They also made the daughter’s beau an idiot … so that if you’re not alienating the younger audience by talking parental issues, you can alienate the elder audience by parading about an immature son-in-law. Meanwhile, Sid the Sloth (John Leguizamo) is still looking for love while Diego and Santa Ana, or whatever her name is (Denis Leary and Jennifer Lopez) are considering adoption … and their opossum pals are still seeking approval … and the one-eyed weasel has discovered a monolith describing the next extinction … and there are angry dinobirds after them … and quasi-squirrel Scrat is in outer space. Yes, outer space. In a film
about prehistory, and one that openly discussed adult-level Earth science, there were ice hockey, omens and space travel.
You know what? Scrat needs to eat the freaking nut. Stop burying it, just eat it. I know there’s an age-old comic tradition of cartoon characters who fail to grow, but, let’s face it – Elmer Fudd needed to take up fishing, Wile E. Coyote needed to start ordering take-out, and Popeye needed anger management counseling. Failure to grow did these folks no good. Scrat needs to eat the acorn and move on. There is no storage for winter when winter is several eons in length.
I give Ice Age: Collision Course credit for being a touch better than the last Ice Age iteration in that there’s a small possibility I might remember something that happened in this film … mostly because it probably already happened in somebody else’s film.
Look, team Ice Age, when I go to a 3D cartoon, should I expect a lecture on parental growth?
“Pixar does it”
Yes, but we’re not talking about Pixar; we’re talking about you, IACC, and your shameless cribbing of Inside Out-takes. First and foremost in a film aimed at children, you have to put something on screen that child will like. Did you do that?
“Errr … ummm”
This isn’t a grilling. Just tell me, what might a child get out of this film?
“Fluffy cartoon characters!”
There ya go. But how is that different from three other Ice Age films?
“More
of them!”
And a child will like this? More named characters, each with five-to-ten lines of forgettable dialogue?
“Wait. How about space! Yeah, Scrat in space! That’s fun! Children will love that, and there’s a ton of it!”
Why, yes. Yes, there is. And in a film with, quite literally “Ice Age” in the title, implying pre-historic Earth, crude tools, and natural survival, you devoted a healthy 20-25 minutes to a squirrel in a spaceship. And this is the highlight of Ice Age: Collision Course? This is what children will be talking about and clamoring for again and again?
“YES! Yes it is!”
Why didn’t you just make a film called Scrat in Space?
The Saga of Manny
Manny the mammoth was alone once upon
He used to cry, “hey, get off my lawn!”
He found him some friends, a sloth and a ‘ger
And baby and lady, but it didn’t stop ther
Got him a weasel, a granny, a vark
And three giants rocs for a walk in the park
He got him two possums, a bat and a gnu
I’m not even sure if the latter is true
Point is, my friends, he’s no longer alone
His world may be Ice, but his heart is not stone
Five times have found this behemoth in flix
Please, people, please, we don’t need number six
Rated PG, 94 Minutes
D: Mike Thurmeier, Galen T. Chu
W: Michael J. Wilson and Michael Berg and Yoni Brenner
Genre: See what sticks
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Assuming he/she exists, the person who cannot get enough of the Ice Agers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “Why another sequel? Why?!”
