How many ships do you suppose Captain Kirk gets to trash before Star Fleet says, “you know, these are really expensive things. I mean really, really expensive; we’re going to give the Enterprise to somebody else” ? I imagine Admiral Tyler Perry adding, “There’s another Captian we’ve had our eye on – a man named ‘Crunch.’ He’s done wonderful things with integrity maintenance under adverse conditions.”
Ah yes, Trek is beck. I mean, “back.” And Star Trek Beyond reminds everyone that no matter what Trekkie fan fic crap you write, the story is always improved with Bones (Karl Urban) and Spock (Zachary Quinto) playing their own version of My Dinner with Andromeda Perseus 7. Before that happens, however, Kirk (Chris Pine) and the boys have the “Five Year Mission Blues.” The Enterprise crew are currently in year three and questioning the purpose of life. It was probably a mistake to go down these lines just to set up a minor subplot about Kirk and Spock each having a big secret (Are they hot for one another? Is this how they boldly go where no one goes?) Sorry, I imagine deep space can get lonely. Very, very lonely. The tedium is broken by the introduction of space port Yorktown. After viewing similar future cities in films like Interstellar and Tomorrowland, I can say Yorktown kicks their collective asses … now if only the plot advanced Beyond the set.
Yorktown is pretty much the reason this film wows in IMAX. But you can’t just spend two hours checking out what films do these days, so before long Enterprise is scheduled for a pick up in a nearby nebula and all Hell breaks loose. Jerks probably broke the rental agreement. You can argue the particulars, but I swear the only reasons for all the chaos that follows are so that the screenplay can:
1) Isolate Scotty (co-writer Simon Pegg) and hot alien “lass” Jaylah (Sofia Boutella). Hot, that is, if you’re into the photo negative look.
2) Isolate Spock and Bones to revive their on-and-off married 
couple squabble of down home Kentucky v. down home Vulcan. Wait. Are we to expect a Kirk/Spock/Bones love triangle in future episodes? Now that I would like to see.
There are worse screenplay strategies, to be sure. Contrarily, however, director Justin Lin kept breaking to incomprehensible villainy from Krall (Idris Elba) just so the audience can say, “where are they going with this?”
Oh yeah, show me another Kirk/alien fist fight. This will be fun. :eyeroll: On the original show, Kirk used to score with every alien that came along — green, black, orange, tentacled, didn’t matter. He didn’t discriminate; he was an equal opportunity philanderer. In the PC age, we’ve modernized Kirk from his Playboy origins – and now he gets his ass kicked by every alien that comes along. You almost want to see the Enterprise encounter a hostile species of pigmy sloth-like hemophilic sub-humanoids who evolved on a planet where the main source of competition was roundworms. All right, Kirk, I think you got this one. Let’s see how you do and maybe we’ll work your way up to a heavily sedated Peter Dinklage.
As Trek films go, as action films go, as modern sci-fi films go, this one will leave little impression. That said, lower your expectations and maybe you’ll have some fun.
I’m going to miss Anton Yelchin.
♪Every day in space he’s on the bridge
And appears to be my pal
But I know what he really means
When says, “it’s logical.”
That
Spock is mine
That Vulcan guy is mine
I don’t understand the way you think
Saying that he’s yours not mine
Ripping your t-shirt with every leave
Is really just a waste of time
Because he’s mine
That Vulcan man is mine
Man, are you blind?
That sharp-eared freak is mine
I love light years away
(Shuttle anywhere)
I’m always stepping out of
sick bay
(Patients? I don’t care)
So come explore with me
Through the cosmos
But we both cannot have him
So be on your way, Jim
Don’t care if it’s a huge sin
I dig that green blood hobgoblin
–Listen, Bones, we’re not going to fight about this
–Dammit, Jim, I’m doctor, not a fighter.
–Yeah, I’ve heard it all before. You know, he told me “I am and shall always be your friend.”
–Well, after me, he said, “Live long and prosper”
–That’s what he said?
–He said it. You keep beamin’♫
Rated PG-13, 120 Minutes
D: Justin Lin
W: Simon Pegg, Doug Jong
Genre: Trekkin’
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Treksters? Trekophiles? Trekkingtons? If only there were a name for this group
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Spacephobics. Can you believe that? The actual word for fear of space exploration is “spacephobia.”
♪ Parody inspired by “The Girl Is Mine”
