“Honey! We’ve got company! Horrible, horrible company!” … is probably how Paul (Matthias Schoenaerts) should have broken the news to Marianne (Tilda Swinton) as the plane touched down on their Italian island getaway. It wouldn’t have improved the film any, but maybe I could have braced for impact. Dull, annoying impact.
A Bigger Splash is a Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? kind of film, where the dinner is leftover pizza and the who’s coming is your ex-boss. Well, ex-producer, actually. Marianne is some sort of David Bowie-like rock star and her ex-producer [read: ex-lover] Harry (Ralph Fiennes) has arrived with his home-wrecking daughter (Dakota Johnson) to screw up lives forever. Not immediately, of course. Splash is over two hours long and the first hour is all exposition. Dull, annoying exposition.
Ok, I’ll stop doing that.
Just know this film bites, biggest problem being that you’ll want to punch Ralph Fiennes every time he opens his mouth, which is often. Fiennes decided that oral flamboyance was the only way to play Harry – weird him playing a character named, “Harry,” isn’t it? – and so for about 90 minutes, we get to hear Harry’s opinions about everything. And Tilda Swinton can’t talk back. Marianne has undergone vocal surgery and thus Tilda only communicates in gestures and
the occasional whisper. This and the natural stoicism of Matthias Schoenaerts only encourages Harry to talk more. Its like that scene from Fargo where Peter Stormare won’t talk and Steve Buscemi runs on except it isn’t funny and it lasts for two hours.
Rarely will you meet an actor more capable of identifying a quality role/film than Ralph Fiennes. And yet, Voldemort erred big time here and then doubled down with a terrible performance to boot. Geez, man, you were more likable without a nose.
I see some good critical reviews of A Bigger Splash; I honestly have no idea if these guys saw the same film. Mine couldn’t end soon enough and did so unsatisfactorily. I give the film a slight nod over the recent similarly boring European couples getaway film, By the Sea, but only because Act III of A Bigger Splash introduced crime procedure and thus became a different film altogether. It wasn’t any better than the first film, but at least it was something else.
Voldemort arrives to cause a flap
Now he’s got nose and a big-ass trap
Ennui ensues
All roads lead to “lose”
You’re better off taking a nap
Rated R, 125 Minutes
D: Luca Guadagnino
W: David Kajganich
Genre: The lives of people you’ll never wish to be
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Hmmmm. Matthias Schoenaerts fans, maybe?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who want to hera Tilda Swinton’s voice
