You will never guess who the villains are in this film. Never. Go on and try. Humor me. I’ll give you a hint – The Wild Life’s original title was “Robinson Crusoe,” having been based on the novel by Daniel Defoe. So … any guesses? “The Sea?” No. “Time?” No. “Loneliness?” No. “Cannibals?” No. “Slavers?” No. “Mother Nature?” No. “Pirates?” That’s actually close, but wrong, as pirates only play a very small role in this adventure. Then again, the teens from The Blue Lagoon are also as close as you’re going to get to the real answer here. The real answer is … house cats.
Yes, a Belgian-French animation studio coalition studied the Defoe novel and decided to make common tabbies the antagonistic foil to Robinson Crusoe (voice of Matthias Schweighöfer). And not to disparage our feline friends, but to make sure the playing field was level, the shipwrecked Crusoe is portrayed as a buffoon, an absolute dolt, incapable of even the most rudimentary procedure without a comic pratfall of some kind. Once you understand that Crusoe is a Clouseau, you realize the cats are more than a match for the doofus; he needs a collection of otherwise edible island friends to thwart them.
Robinson Crusoe is a landlubber and a pathetic one at that. Hired for his cartographic skill set, his mapping talents are useless when he spends all of his time retching. During the storm that claims the ship, Crusoe unwittingly manages to barricade himself below deck. While the crew do the work of attempting to save the ship, Crusoe whines like an infant to be let out … cuz, what, Robinson? Nobody’s got anything better to do than make sure you have access topside? Geez, you’re worse than a house cat. Perhaps that was the point. Crusoe is thus unable to answer the “abandon ship” call and finds himself wrecked on an island roughly the size of a small preschool. Despite the lack of square footage of his confines, RobCo has to be shown fresh water by his new friend, a red parrot who doesn’t in any way resemble Jesse Eisenberg’s blue macaw in Rio. In no way whatsoever. None.
The parrot brokers the world between Crusoe and a store of new animal friends including goat, tapir, pangolin, and, I dunno, Babadook? Yo-yo? This Darwinian menagerie and variety of foodstuffs were pretty impressive for a rocky secluded island the size of a postage stamp. Then follows scene after scene of Crusoe erecting something rickety that promptly falls apart to the delight of –I’m guessing- your five-year-old. Crusoe 
gets the lion’s share of attention, but neither his, nor any of his friends, have any depth of character; aw, who needs character development? It’s ok, stuff gets broken. Unstable structures more than make up for the fact that RobCo & Co share a thought once a month.
Slapstick doesn’t make it much anymore. I loved Abbott & Costello when I was a kid, so it’s very possible boys who like destroying things and seeing a grown man tangled in his own tapestry of futility will be entertained. And while I haven’t read the Daniel Defoe classic in some time, it’s possible I missed something about pratfalls and killer kitties, but, dare I say? I don’t think this version matches the author’s, which is fine if you give me a reason to care about Crusoe. I didn’t.
♪I’m wearing
Homemade tricorn
Got stranded
Near the Cape Horn
Not exactly Tom Clancy
Read up! You might need to
Here on this island hop
Whoa oh
I got a mild, mild life
Can’t construct a lean-to
Whoa oh
I got a mild, mild life
Here come the tapir in charge
Whoa oh
I got a mild, mild life
Careful! Garfield just might barge
Stalking “wild” “wild” life♫
Rated PG, 90 Minutes
D: Vincent Kesteloot, Ben Stassen
W: Lee Christopher (Wait. Wait. Wait. There’s a “Lee Christopher” who makes films as opposed to “Christopher Lee?” Is there a “Lugosi Bela” as well?), Domonic Paris, Graham Weldon
Genre: Slapstick
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Not-so-discerning children
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of classic literature
♪ Parody inspired by “Wild Wild Life”
