Is it not bad enough that being American means dealing with your nation’s self-destructive paranoia every.single.day? Do we have to make movies entirely devoted to the practice? What’s that? It gets worse? When the Bough Breaks suggests fertility clinics are as incompetent at screening as TSA officers? Wow. Where do I sign up?
Infertile couple John and Laura Taylor (Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall) are down to their last viable embryo. There’s a warning sign right there. Tell me, is it the embryo’s last day on the force, too? The couple seeks a surrogate to carry and finds Anna Walsh (Jaz Sinclair), whose unbelievably altruistic responses to why she wants to carry somebody’s baby are borderline pathetic. If she were a job candidate, she wouldn’t get beyond the first interview. If she were a presidential candidate, I’d expect her next to say how her womb, “wins all the time. Others wombs are losers. Mine’s the best. You’re gonna get tired of all the perfect babies I make for you.”
Look, I have no idea what the primary motivation for anonymous womb rental is, but I am 100% sure it isn’t “I just want to help somebody out.” I might accept that for a reason as to why people donate organs, cuz no paycheck. However, in 99% of the cases where you take a lot of money for something, the primary reason is “money.”
Oh yeah, movie. Let’s just fast forward to the revolving conflict. Anna isn’t on the level, of course, and her Cheshire boyfriend Mike (Theo Rossi) is a walking rap sheet. Don’t spend too much time worrying about him, however, because the plot changes every five minutes. Anna is in love with John. Then she’s a possible threat to Laura. Then she’s blackmailing the couple. Then she’s Mike’s tool. Then she’s in control. Then she’s in love with John again. Blah, blah, blah. The height of this idiocy is when she takes her problems to John’s law firm. For Lord-knows-what-reason, John can’t introduce her as, “here’s the surrogate who is having our baby.” How is that not a thing? His firm would immediately know there’s nothing illicit going on and there’s a reasonable explanation as to why a young woman in pajamas is interrupting a board meeting. I just love the part where Anna’s NSFW personal vids paint John into a corner. Law firms don’t have such things … ever? For evidence even, maybe? The resolution of this conflict will absolutely leave you shaking your head – he gets caught opening sexytime videos at work, so he’s removed from his case for, get this, conflict of interest. Oh that makes sense.
Want worse? When the Bough Breaks didn’t have the guts to go for an R rating. It showed Anna taking her top off several times without ever showing breasts; it showed Anna cutting herself with a raw razor blade without any actual skin contact or bleeding; it hinted at swearing without going there, too. Yeah, bring the kids. They’ll want to get in on this hot insane surrogate motherhood action. Oh, and just wait until Anna goes from two weeks pregnant to nine months in about five minutes of screen
time. And watch her kick ass while full term. Congrats, mama. You can have it all! (Well, except for your own embryo, that is.)
Did I even mention the part where Laura suggests John give in to Anna’s advances for the sake of the baby? Only a man could or would write that scene.
I would love to tell you that When the Bough Breaks was at least uniquely awful, but that isn’t true, either. This movie will almost certainly remind you (if you’ve seen them) of miserable films like The Perfect Guy and Obsessed. At the end of the day, it is yet another brick in the wall of terrible African-American couples horror films. The theme is always the same: Every stranger is an enemy … you can’t trust a single person … seek help at your own peril. If films like this would come out with a theme of, “white people are the enemy; you can’t trust them,” I would find that perspective understandable and almost refreshing in the integrity of the bias shown. But that wouldn’t make a film like When the Bough Breaks any better.
♪Early in the morning, I’m out of bed
She comes on to me, right before the coffee
Wakes my libido, this gal is hardly pure
Pretty sure this wasn’t in the brochure
I do my best to keep my motivations hazy
Can’t believe I paid top dollar for this crazy
Doing it all for a baby
Finish line is all I see
Doing it all for a baby
On this my wife and I sure do agree♫
Rated PG-13, 107 Minutes
D: Jon Cassar
W: Jack Olsen
Genre: Cultivating paranoia
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Gold diggers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Infertile couples
♪ Parody inspired by “Doing It All for My Baby”
