Augusto Pinochet is just one of those names, isn’t it? Like Pol Pot or Idi Amin. You set your film in 1973 Chile and the elements of awful are going to outweigh the elements of bueno. KnowwhatImsayin’? I didn’t know a thing about Colonia other than Hermione was in it, but as soon as the name “Pinochet” came up, I knew I was in for ugly and Colonia didn’t disappoint.
Daniel (Daniel Brühl) is a German shutterbug. Is he jealous of the action those lucky Vietnam War photographers are getting? Whatever the reason, he decides to go to Santiago. Who needs Vietnam, anyway? His lover Lena (Emma Watson) is a flight attendant, back when flight attendants were all hot and we called them “stewardesses.” Their spicy Chile run becomes a five-alarm affair when Pinochet’s goons lock down the city in search of dissidents, Allende supporters, and people who cannot inscribe a proper tilde. At this point, Daniel essentially takes pictures until he’s caught. There’s no other way to put it – he and Lena seem to have good detours from the military, but Daniel is constantly clicking clicking clicking until the goons get him and take him away.
When in Chile, stay at the fabulous Colonia Dignidad! Stay in our underground bunker. Lie back a relax as the electroshock “therapy” is administered. Our uniformed agents will attend to your every thought and discomfort.
As Daniel has been excused from society, Lena goes looking for him and applies for status in The Colony – a religious cult labor compound – posing as a nun-in-training. Hermione to the rescue! It takes her about fifteen minutes to get the idea that something is wrong here. Cult leader Paul Schäfer (not to be confused with long time David Letterman musical sidekick Paul Shaffer) has Lena reveal her sins by unbuttoning her blouse. Oh, don’t worry. She doesn’t get raped here; Paul (Michael Nyqvist) is into pre-pubescent boys. –I’m tellin’ ya. Once you hear the name “Pinochet,” you know what you’re in for; don’t
act surprised— Paul’s villainy is every bit as scary as your average stalag colonel with a strong dose of perversion to boot.
Daniel might need one of those vacation t-shirts, “I went all the way to Chile, and all I got was a speech impediment…”
Colonia is a thriller in the classic sense. How do our heroes escape the escape-proof compound? Who’s a friend? Who’s an enemy? How do they even find one another in the immense, gender-segregated compound? And how do you even move sideways when every.single.move is regulated. Colonia reminded me of The Great Escape and Argo. Both of those films were better, but it puts Colonia in pretty good company, no? It’s worth note that while Lena and Daniel are probably fictional amalgams, Schäfer and The Colony did indeed exist and Pinochet’s regime allowed him to oppress, molest and torture for almost two full decades … and our own Communist-fearing CIA made Pinochet possible. Good to know, huh?
♪Hello Muddah
This is silly
Here I’m stuck in
Southern Chile
Just because my boyfriend poseur
Had his Minolta set on indecent exposure
Gotta admit
Camp is a blast
Almost tasted
Our last repast
Peelin’ taters, sweepin’ the roads
Beats the heck out of temple-placed electrodes
You might know of
Preacher Schäfer
All I can say is
We are safer
He makes sure with all his power
That little boys never slip up in the shower♫
Rated R, 110 Minutes
D: Florian Gallenberger
W: Torsten Wenzel, Florian Gallenberger
Genre: Cult labor camp
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Salvador Allende
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Pinochet backers
♪ Parody inspired by “Camp Granada”
