There are people you never thought would phone it in. I mean, just.never.even.considered. Kevin Spacey was on that list for me. Sure, he’s been in bad films. Who hasn’t? But I never thought he’d take a role just for a paycheck and nothing else. sigh Sometimes you really are better off not knowing.
Not having learned the lesson from Bill Murray in Garfield, Kevin Spacey becomes a cat in Nine Lives. He starts out as some sort of NYC Trump-like megalomaniac, so tabby is a clear improvement, but hardly a justification. Corporate giant Tom Brand (Spacey) skydives onto the roof of his newest project, a Brand new tower set to be the tallest in the world. Uh oh, he hasn’t accounted for a new high-rise elsewhere on the globe. How can he make his bigger? And get the Mexicans to pay for it? BTW, I hear that engineers, city planners, contractors and random neighbors just LOVE it when you change building plans, especially with respect to height. Raise the elevation of the world’s tallest building without consulting an engineer? What could possibly go wrong?
The green screen technology here takes CGI to new levels, and 
by “new” I mean “prehistoric.” The special effects here rival 1970s Disney movies starring Kurt Russell.
Yada, yada … Brand is a bad father … yada, yada … kid wants a cat … yada, yada … Christopher Walken … *poof* Spacey is a cat. Walken essentially revives his constantly-in-demand eccentric, wizened shaman character. I know we loved this guy in films like Click. But that isn’t important. What is important is that Kevin Spacey’s cat is even less likable than Kevin Spacey’s Trump. Ugh. Hard to zero in on the worst of this feline-erectus, but I’ll try:
• The cat is a curmudgeon. Any real family wouldn’t tolerate this behavior for more than a day.
• The cat has a human brain, but acts like a cat. This is a biggie, because it’s impossible to believe this cat is a man if he keeps doing cat things. Men don’t actually pee in handbags. A cat might.
• It isn’t funny. Not at all. Even the kids in my audience sat stony faced at the antics. Yeah, there was a self-conscious titter at the handbag and maybe a slight guffaw when the man-cat voluntarily jumps twenty floors on to an awning – other than that, it was the silence of the mamma’s little lambs.
• Nobody seems to be mourning the loss of the man. Perhaps said behavior is inappropriate for the target audience – then write it better, dammit. Dude in a coma and his wife and daughter 
are more concerned with a stupid house pet? Buddy, when you get out of the coma, consider abandonment.
Like a bag of the namesake cat food, Nine Lives is dry, tasteless, and need not be sampled by humans to know it isn’t worth the effort. You can happily let this film sit out in a bowl rotting in the stale air while atop the linoleum. The consumption of Nine Lives is barely fit for animals, much less paying humans. This film is the equivalent of the time spent toting around a scooped-up pet mess in plastic bag while anxiously spying a disposal receptacle.
If you do view Nine Lives, keep a thesaurus nearby to describe how ham-fisted this material is. Believe me. it will come in handy. A hackneyed and trite message of family togetherness is the only thing that keeps me from zero stars, but I’m damn close.
♪On the morning that you watch this movie
You’ll swear you want to turn back time
You’ll be strollin’ up the aisle avoiding the screen
Screaming, “this is a crime”
He turns into a feline for no discernable reason
And you’ll cry aloud, “What the heck?”
Don’t bother asking for explanations
He just wanted a check
With the drear of the cat♫
Rated PG, 87 Minutes
D: Barry Sonnenfeld
W: Gwyn Lurie, Matt Allen, Caleb Wilson, Dan Antoniazzi, Ben Shiffrin (Five guys. Seriously. Five people wrote this. Five … how many does it take to write a good film?)
Genre: Faceplant
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: I dunno. I honestly don’t know. Somebody who finds it funny when a cat pees in an expensive purse, perhaps
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Kevin Spacey fans
♪ Parody inspired by “Year of the Cat”
