At this point, I’d say any movie pretending that a fight for gun control is winnable would be considered a fantasy. Right now, there’s a greater chance of E.T. getting that bicycle in the air than beating the NRA. On December 14, 2012, a white non-Muslim man visited Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT and shot twenty-seven (27) people to death including 20 children between the ages of six and seven. If this piece of genuine Americana horror couldn’t bend national laws even the tiniest bit to the control side —and it couldn’t—nothing will. NOTHING.
Nobody is coming after you guns, fearmongers. Nobody is ever coming after your guns.
Now, that said, people like pretending and this is a movie for pretenders. Miss Sloane (Jessica Chastain) is an ice queen – distant, emotionless, manipulative, unrelenting, calculating. In many other professions, these qualities might be drawbacks, but Miss Sloane is a lobbyist, and all lobbyists care about is winning the fight. Miss Sloane is really good at winning the fight. Rodolfo Schmidt (Mark Strong) makes her a priceless offer to take on the gun control battle and she accepts. And, soon enough, we get the inner chaos of a political mudwrestle. Here’s a stat I didn’t know, but have no doubts about – for every $1 spent on gun control, $38 are spent on guns-out-of-control.
You will hear most every gun argument in this film in one way or another, except the one I kinda wanted to hear the most – At one point, Miss Sloane actually takes on the U.S. Constitution (that takes balls; every time one challenges the founding fathers, one gets offered a brick wall, which is ironic considering part of the brilliance of the Constitution is its amendability). While Miss Sloane does argue that the Constitution was constructed with change in mind, she doesn’t get to the key phrase in the second amendment – “A WELL REGULATED MILITIA BEING NECESSARY TO THE SECURITY OF A FREE STATE, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” Imagining the Red Dawn scenario is even a possibility, no reasonable person in this country would expect the Red Dawn solution for defense from foreign invasion. This, to me, is the crux of the amendment – it exists because the Constitution made no other specific provision for homeland security. I find it amazing the film wanted to take on the Constitution, but didn’t mention what I consider a built-in restriction. And yet, Miss Sloane wins this particular argument with the same kind of bullshit anecdotal evidence the Right constantly uses. E.g: “I’m holding a snowball, therefore global warming doesn’t exist.”
Miss Sloane herself is a Leftie’s wet dream. “Oh, how I wish somebody without a moral conscience could fight battles for the Left!” And, yet, the most recent election highlights exactly how comparatively tame this film is. I mean, think about – Miss Sloane, the best weapon the gun control people can find, acts without sleep, without fear, without a decent moral compass, without friends, without a single worry about whom she alienates and yet look at all the hoops she won’t jump through: In the actual election that made Donald Trump the President elect, the winning side benefitted from (among other things) illegal FBI intervention, treasonous Russian intervention, empowerment of hate groups by giving voice to misogynists and neo-Nazis, and incessant lying. I’m not talking standard politician self-serving, unfulfilled promises, or “don’t cause a panic” political lying – Donald Trump is quite possibly the most dishonest public figure the world has ever known. He will lie about anything at any time for any reason. Your average mad-lib is likelier to find the truth than he … [yes, yes, I hear you: “Crooked Hillary lies too!” Not even close. Not to that extent. Not on that level. By any objective measure, it’s the difference between the New York Yankees and the Bad News Bears] … and yet, lobbyists on the Right managed to convince the country that Trumpelthinskin is more trustworthy than Hillary Clinton. Yeah, I want 1,000 of those reptiles fighting for the Left.
Aw, who am I kidding? We’re the Left. We care as much about how the game is played than who won it.
I think our national gun obsession problems go well beyond the norm. Even in this film, one that should have been a Leftie’s dream, there was a good guy with a gun moment. Is our gun ownership pathology so advanced that we need “balance” in this film? You want balance? Have a scene where a toddler shoots a person. Toddlers have shot at least 50 people this year in the United States, which I believe makes this occurrence almost as likely as the incidents of a concealed carry good guy saving the day with a gun. Hence, I’m kinda wondering who this film is for. At the end of the day, Lefties don’t like people who don’t play fair; they certainly don’t want to champion one. That’s why we are who we are. And the Right, well, if my blog had a significant following, I’d now have a slew of hate mail and a small army of trolls itching 
to tell me how I’ve erred in life. People who fear are people who hate. I understand you need your guns, but have you ever truly considered living in a world where you don’t need them?
This is the better and slightly more realistic version of Our Brand Is Crisis. Unlike Crisis where we are supposed to feel for the humanity of the mercenary attack dog, Miss Sloane makes no such pretense – like her/hate her, it doesn’t matter. There is no love for this character; you fear her, you respect her. That is all. Needless to say, I found Jessica Chastain 100% perfect for this role – I don’t like her at all. She comes off way too icy for my tastes, even in “endearing” roles. This, not Zero Dark Thirty, is the role she was born to play and I don’t see anybody doing it greater justice.
Look, this wasn’t a terrific film, but was certainly better-than-average and rarely dull. I feel like giving it four stars just to balance the empowered hate. I won’t.
♪Shot up a school and who’s to blame?
Darlin’ Sloane gives mercs a bad name
She has no heart
She plays a game
Sloane gives mercs a bad name
She has a price for what you sell
She’ll engage your issue and put you through Hell
Claims and tricks, this employee
Her passion is winning for a small fee
Oh, she is anti-gun, yeah
Oh, there’s no room for fun
Don’t try to save her
Your friendship she’ll shun
Guns everywhere and who’s to blame?
Miss Sloane gives mercs a bad name♫
Rated R, 132 Minutes
D: John Madden
W: Jonathan Perera
Genre: Pretending a debate is winnable
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Politics wonks
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Pro-gun fanatics
♪ Parody inspired by “You Give Love a Bad Name “
