Good luck or bad luck to rob a bank during the zombie apocalypse? On the plus side you’ve got ability to get away with it and general lack of authorities making your crime a priority investigation. OTOH, You’re likelier to encounter both firearms and zombies if out in public at all. And there’s that whole “zombie apocalypse” dilemma, too. I’d say it’s a mixed bag.
So … the slurred, incomprehensible speech … the aggressive behavior … societal anarchy … cannibalism … but enough about Cockneys, let’s talk about Zombies. Yes, I know, you could all see that one coming. Look, if you’re gonna hang the fruit that low, I’m gonna swipe it. Speaking of which, low-hanging fruit was clearly the inspiration for Cockneys vs Zombies, a film well aware of the value of kitsch and novelty above true virtue. That doesn’t make it bad, necessarily, but you do have a good idea of what you’ll be laughing at long before the movie starts playing.
We follow two groups (of humans) during this apocalypse – the amateur bank robber contingent led by brothers Terry (Rasmus Hardiker) and Andy (Harry Treadaway). Their goal is to save the old folks home, where the not-ready-to-be-undead yet are led by Ray (Alan Ford) and Peggy (Honor Blackman). If you’re anything of a movie buff like me, you’re thinking, “Honor Blackman? Honor … Blackman … isn’t that … ?” Yes. Yes she is the lead woman in Goldfinger. Turns out she actually had a fair career, almost exclusively limited to the BBC. In fact, if you’re not English and can name a single other role of hers besides Pussy Galore, you deserve a prize. Here, have the night off from reading my blog. Go on, you earned it.
For all the comic setup, Cockneys vs Zombies struck me as a fairly standard zombie film. I was hoping there would be something a bit cleverer with the bank robbery – how about one of the tellers is a zombie? How about zombies happen before the robbery takes place and when the robbers shout for everybody to “get down on the floor,” a random zombie 
or two just won’t cuz, you know, zombie. I can imagine some decent dialogue/action with either of those moments. For whatever reason, Cockneys vs Zombies didn’t have as much fun with the whole “Cockney” thing as it could have, but it did have a lot of fun pitting geezers against zombies. One of two drop-dead-hilarious scenes in the film involved the old folks attempting to rescue a walker-bound octogenarian from a pack of equally slow-moving undead. Perhaps the title Fogies vs Zombies would have been a better hook.
Cockneys vs Zombies is obviously not an award winning film of any kind, but with vacation, alcohol, up-past-midnight and friends who don’t mind blood, I can see it being a big hit. But I wouldn’t bet my life on it.
♪I never meant to cause you any uproar
I never meant to attack folks not in pain
I only wanted to feast a bit on geezers
Only want to do some
Snacking on a silver brain
Silver brain, silver brain
Silver brain, silver brain
Silver brain, silver brain
Only want to do some
Noshing on a silver brain♫
Not Rated, 88 Minutes
D: Matthias Hoene
W: James Moran, Lucas Roche
Genre: Get a life
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Cockneyphiles, Zombiephiles
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: All other -philes
♪ Parody inspired by “Purple Rain”
