I wasn’t really jonesin’ for a film about teenagers committing federal crimes in order to save their school. but Coin Heist came out this year, and I have been itchin’ to add a “2017” tag to the blog. I’ve certainly watched films for worse reasons.
The United States Mint website says coins are minted in four locations: Denver, Philadelphia, San Francisco, and West Point. I’ve been to Denver, San Francisco, and West Point … and this cinematic treasure trove clearly wasn’t unearthed in any of them, so I’m guessing this takes place in Philadelphia – the prep school area of Philadelphia, that is, not the Rocky or French Prince part. Hey, you didn’t have to begin the film in a mint; I think we could get the general flavor of the production otherwise.
You’ll never believe this, but tour of the mint is kinda boring. It picks up, however, when the father of the slacker kid is arrested for embezzlement. That never happened on any of my field trips as student or parent. Awwww. The $10M in embezzled funds came straight from the school coffers so the kids find their prep school going from suburb chic to inner city slum overnight. There’s a good line here where the frustrated overachieving student body prez Dakota (Sasha Pieterse) chides a peer with, “mad at me, join the club,” to which jock/robotics expert/ex-juvy/token Benny (Jay Walker) fires back, “I can’t. All the clubs are cancelled.”
The select assorted donut four pack of student heroes is rounded out by slacker kid Jason (Alex Saxon) and girl-who-can-hack anything Alice (Alexis G. Zall). I would love to tell you these aren’t stereotypical portrayals, but Alice could literally hack into any government agency without problem or fingerprint. Anything weird and wonderful that Coin Heist had to offer would not be found in the players, although I quite enjoy making a villain of the art teacher (Michael Cyril Creighton). Good news is the plot – the kids plan to recreate the $10M loss? Break into the mint, create a deliberate 2017 Michigan quarter coin anomaly, print a limited edition of them, collect the coins and release them into the market at 
opportune times. Now that is a plot. Let me go over that again – four local teenagers plan to break into a United States Mint, the place where the government prints money, then they plan to create and mint their own unique coinage, then extract the newly printed money and exit without leaving a trace. HA! Oh, that’s every bit the silliest thing I’ve heard today — Hell, I bet trespassing on Mint property is both a federal crime and near impossible – imagine b&e, grand theft, counterfeiting, forgery at the source on the federal level, and that’s just the stuff I can think of immediately. And all for what? This is the best part – so they can save the Chinese Checkers club. The risk-to-payoff ratio here is unchartable – it’s like breaking into the White House to steal a toothbrush because CVS is closed.
So, sure, points for uniqueness of solution. Sure, I can think of at least ten different and more realistic ways to profit from access to a U.S. Mint, but I can’t knock you for lack of imagination. I can, however, tell you I’d be very surprised if anybody involved in this film ever makes it bigger than a supporting role on a cult TV show. That includes writer/director Emily Hagins.
Broke into a zoo, cause I lost my hat
Tangled with Simba in his habitat
Swam in the ocean for a cool down
Got worried near Cuba that I might drown
Started war with Iraq; that guy dissed my dad
Thousands died, but I’m not really sad
Turned off regulations; just flipped a switch
Economy tanked, but six guys got rich(er)
School is now in financial disorder
Hijack the Mint and generate a quarter
Life isn’t easy when you have to choose
What can I say? Got the Bad Solution Blues
Rated PG, 97 Minutes
D: Emily Hagins
W: Emily Hagins
Genre: The lucrative field of quarter forgery
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Numismatists
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Janet Yellen, Chairperson of the Federal Reserve
