Can it be true? Yes! America’s romcom sweethearts are back. Awwwww. Why, I couldn’t wait to revisit my doe-eyed love of … Christian’s awkward talk of contracts and Ana’s feeble negotiations. Seriously, will they converse with enough depth this time around to demonstrate something one might refer to as a “personality?” Don’t count on it. Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) are aggressively generic portrayals. I would call this a directional choice or deliberate decision to appeal to the bored housewife across America, but honestly, I think these two are just deadly dull – they need steamy sex just to keep the audience awake.
At last look, Christian and Ana got together, had some sex, had some more sex, and had some more sex after that, and then broke up because she wasn’t into his hobbies (his sexually related hobbies). Fifty Shades Darker promotes leisurely billionaire Grey as so desperate to get Ana back that he’s almost willing to respect her. He may even give up the bondage! Hey! Calm down back there. Don’t worry; without the longshoreman routine, this story has nothing to say. Wait. This story has nothing to say anyway. Without the longshoreman routine, this story has nothing to offer. So sure, Christian has some control issues. He doesn’t let Anastasia order food or refuse his thinly veiled generosity, but he agrees to put away the whips and chains so long as she never touches him in the lipstick zone – don’t get too excited; it sounds a great deal more intimate than it is – Christian simply outlines a pre-wife beater on his bare chest to show the green zone where Anastasia is not allowed to set up camp.
As if in response to Christian’s more subtle misogyny, Fifty Shades Darker presented us with a genuine pig villain. Ana has a new job and her boss, Jack (Eric Johnson), is a walking, leering, groping sexual harassment suit. “See? See?” the movie prompts us, “Christian is not so bad. He’s much better than this guy.” In addition to what might resemble a “plot” –for lack of a better word- there’s also a girl, a former Christian Grey flame, Leila (Bella Heathcote). Don’t bother asking how the burned, destitute, suicidal, lovesick Leila manages to encroach, repeatedly, the personal space of a billionaire; what’s important here is that Jack, Leila and anybody else who shows up in this film exist -ever so briefly- for the sole purpose of helping Christian and Ana define their relationship. I kid you not — every half-baked character in this film, every stupid plot point, every line of inane dialogue simply comes down to: so, are you guys a couple or what? This, of course, might have some merit were the leads not so yawn city — let me ask this — would you want to spend five minutes outside the bedroom with either of these jokers?
Hmmmm. Where else did I see a franchise in which every plot point no matter how far-fetched came down to, “are you guys 
a couple or what?” Ah, yes, Twilight. We have now come full circle. Fifty Shades of Grey began as Twilight fan fiction. Now the slacking, drug-addled truant becomes the burned-out, phoning-it-in teacher. Remember, kids, never develop any plot points or characters that are not absolutely necessary to answering the question, “is there going to be sex between the leads in the next five minutes?” This includes character development for the leads themselves.
The first thing I did after watching this movie, btw, was look up if there’s a special term for plagiarism in the movies. Fifty Shades Darker stole a moment from the end of Working Girl. Not homage, stole. I suppose we give it a pass because of the relationship between Dakota Johnson and Melanie Griffith, but it seems wrong. More than that, to get the joke, you have to know the relationship exists, which in turn only exacerbates the idea that Dakota Johnson, as far as I’m concerned, has a career as a movie star due almost entirely to nepotism. I’m sorry, but I find nothing special about this actress besides her willingness to get nude on camera. For that matter, I find nothing special about Dornan or this franchise, either. They like to have sex; occasionally they use toys. We get it. We’ve seen it. Big deal.
Perv corner: Sex between Christian and Anastasia represents 100% of the value of this franchise, so I may as well hit the highlights – five (5) encounters. Jamie finally gets to take his pants off for the last one. Two new toys are introduced: the first was ben wa balls, which would prove most useful if you happen to shoot marbles with your vagina. The other is called a spreader bar, which, in essence, is not unlike how Kathy Bates secures James Caan’s ankle in Misery. Fifty Shades Darker used it for a slightly different purpose. Personally, the more I see of naked Jamie Dornan and naked Dakota Johnson, the less appeal this franchise has. I think they need the toys just to give the camera something new to look at.
The biggest challenge in the Fifty Shades production world continues to be the selection of seduction music to go with the increasingly repetitive and brief sex scenes.
♪Lying in your bed I hear the lock click
And think, “I’m through”
Caught up in roped knots
Sadism is nothing new
Bondage, slapped thighs
Right and left behind
Screwed up, his memories
Tie after
Sometimes you torture me
I’m begging for it instead
Nary a single viewer cares
What you’ve said
Then you say, go slow
Don’t ask me why
It’s all just one big lie
If you’re into this scene let me blindfold you
Tie after tie
If you’re all that underneath, I’ll be crocheting
Tie after tie♫
Rated R, 118 Minutes
D: James Foley
W: Niall Leonard
Genre: The ever-widening abyss of failed art
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Teenagers without access to genuine pornography
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People with self-respect
♪ Parody inspired by “Time After Time”
