Here’s what I learned from the sixth and, fingers crossed, last tenancy of Resident Evil –Good Lord, we’ve had six (6) of these things … why? — Sorry. I digress. What did I learn? It’s all Alice (Milla Jovovich). The protagonist is Alice. The antagonist is Alice. The supporting cast is Alice. The computer is Alice. The zombies are Alice. The key grip is Alice. The best boy? Alice. As long as we’re gonna ride this thing, let’s ride it all the way into the ground.
I groaned when seeing the trailer for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter and Underworld: Blood Wars in the same set. I loathe both of these franchises and have difficulty telling them apart. The objective of every film in the Evil Underworld is to get your hot babe in something skin tight and then pop nasty looking (and clearly jealous) creatures her way so she can wield random weaponry until the director decides the scene is over. Paul W.S. Anderson has a true gift for taking something frightening and turning it into something confusing. More than once, this was my internal reaction in watching Resident Evil: The Final Chapter: “Oh! That was scary! How is she going to take that thing?” (20 seconds later) “Wait. What did it die of? Boredom? Embarrassment? Auto erotic asphyxiation?”
I have learned to distinguish the franchises by the following: sometimes Resident Evil isn’t blue.
To be fair – there was a plot to this film. It wasn’t a good plot, but the fact that a plot existed puts it ahead of the last Underworld film. Years ago, the Umbrella Corp. released a virus that turned 99% of humans into savage aggressive zombies. This was an unfortunate side-effect of a revolutionary drug intended to cure a dying child (Ever Anderson, say … she looks exactly like Milla Jovovich and has the last name “Anderson” … what a coincidence). The dying child was young Alice, of course, an Umbrella — oh, good gravy, I’ve already explained too much – bottom line: there’s a remedy for the virus, but grown-up kick-ass Alice only has 48 hours to travel across the country to Raccoon City (home of Umbrella Corp.), steal the phial, and release the antigen into the wild before the last remaining 4,000 humans on Earth perish.
It took me fewer than five seconds to have a problem with this plot. First, it’s told to Alice by the Umbrella Corp. computer which, after five films worth of attempting to kill Alice, is now … good?! Isn’t that convenient. Why would it care? Second, the time frame of exactly 48 hours until the last vestiges of human life perish at the hands of zombies is both way precise and way convenient. Third, and most importantly – humans are dying at the hands of zombies, yes? So this 4,000 number is one that steadily decreases as the clock ticks; it’s not like the zombies have some sort of coordinated synchronized battle plan. So beating the clock, as we know will be the case here, actually solves nothing. I mean, if you grasp the antidote, break the glass, and spread it to the winds with even an hour left, how does that help dudes holding a fortress on the other side of the planet? Best you can do is save maybe two, three people tops. And you have to know exactly where they are.
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter plays like a video game. There’s a threat. The camera pans for potential weapons. Just so happens there are always several around at all times. Alice raids, chooses, and vanquishes the threat. Can Alice use it to advance a level? Why doesn’t she skirt the danger? Because video games don’t allow that. Alice has plenty of enemies, but none seem terribly interest in killing her. Most of the times when Alice has a gun, other guys with guns kinda wait to be shot. And in the first ten minutes, Alice falls for three (3!) separate traps and manages to escape each one because people intent on killing her decide not to. WTF?! My 
fav is when the evil police cuff her in an armored car and toss her out the back still tethered to the vehicle so she has to run to keep up. (All while zombies chase the vehicle – zombies are all pretty much tank groupies at this point; anything with a turret is like the Beatles in their prime to these guys.) Anyway, enjoy the Alice 5K fun run.
Perhaps it’s the aging of Milla Jovovich, but there’s something about her appearance that changes my whole perspective on Resident Evil. See, it’s been so long since the first Evil film that Jovovich’s look (to me), and especially her hair, no longer says: ”Joan of Arc.” Instead it says, “corporate-climbing-don’t-take-shit-from-nobody single mother.” At any time in the movie, I half expect Alice to clean herself up and get in that board meeting, dammit! I know she’s just a middle manager, but Larry who runs shipping is going to steal her clientele if she doesn’t watch her back. Wondering now if this was just an elaborate audition for Bad Moms II.
I’m glad to see the end of Resident Evil. I’d be gladder still if Underworld joins that walk into the sunset. The films may be blue, but I wouldn’t be.
♪Everybody’s high on resignation
Everybody’s trying to tell me
“It’s not bad, you’ll see,” yeah
Two-hour pain and then elation
No more Umbrella Corp., I am free!
It’s gone. It’s gone.
Oh, my.
Good bye.
I better learn to replace it
Play Pong. Cut lawns.
Joy cry
Deep sigh
I see the devil came to claim it
It’s gone. It’s gone
Oh, why
Why so long?♫
Rated R, 106 Minutes
D: Paul W.S. Anderson
W: Paul W.S. Anderson
Genre: See Alice run. See Alice fight. Fight, Alice. Fight. See Alice explain plot minutiae. Explain, Alice. Explain.
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Milla’s believahs
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Zombies
♪ Parody inspired by “She’s Gone”
