“Just when I got out, they pull me back again” is a phrase that should apply to a character played by Anthony Hopkins or Ben Kingsley. Here, the cliché applies to Nicholas Hoult, who is old enough to be their collective grandson. Well, sure, I suppose it can apply to him, too. Just … there’s a world weariness associated with making such a statement that comes from not being twenty-something, ya know?
Drug mule Casey (Hoult) decides on the clean life in order to date Juliette (Felicity Jones). Casey spies Juliette from across a crowded EDM floor. Somehow, he can pick out her American accent from several yards away which, given the scene, I’d call either superhuman or really bad writing. He turns an awkward meet cute into a redeemable double take, which was nice, but then pointed out they were both Americans in Cologne, Germany, which irked me on two counts: 1) Where’s the follow up? Any American would immediately trail with “what city/state are you from?” It kinda makes a yuge difference these days, knowwhatImsayin’? 2) No, you aren’t. You’re from Wokingham, Berkshire, England and you’re from Birmingham, West Midlands, England. Maybe two English folks in Germany ain’t a story, but how is this film any worse by letting these two be English instead of Americans?
Hey, look, it’s clear this relationship isn’t gonna work – you’re an X-Man, you’re from Star Wars. You two are from completely different worlds. It wasn’t meant to be. Why does no one listen to me?
The bliss lasts for precisely as long a bliss is allowed to fester in an action film, let’s say about 4.5 minutes. At that point, the plot monster took over, insisting Juliette needs a new kidney or she’s gonna die. [You need a new kidney, but you’re downing a fifth of scotch by yourself? Forget it, move on.] The solution? Move back to the states and get on that kidney recipient list. All we need is the money. Now, I’m not sayin’ the film is wrong, but if you’re in Germany and have money problems and a medical emergency and somehow imagine the United States is where you need to be to solve it …? Well, in that case, you are either sadly misinformed or beyond desperate.
And, of course, the solution involves Casey returning to the criminal life for a small-time hood (Kingsley) to thieve a coke shipment from a bigger hood (Hopkins). It’s just gotta work; we’re in a movie.
What the heck is going on with Felicity Jones’ agent? Does Jones only pick scripts now where she has a chance of dying?
The plot of Collide seems rational in its barest form: Kid crosses drug king for a big payday. Sounds reasonable, exciting, right? Then add some layers: Kid gets back into criminal life by crossing drug king in order to get life-saving operation for dying-yet-pert girlfriend relying entirely on ability to get away with quarter-billion dollar theft and the effectiveness of Obamacare. Now, it just sounds stupid, right? Add in the worst Ben Kingsley performance you’ve ever seen and the undiscussed details of the cure and you better have the most thrilling film ever just to get a mild thumbs up.
BTW, want my impression of Obamacare? Too bad. You’re getting it anyway:
America1: Wow! This Obam
acare is so much better than the system we had in place.
America2: I want something better.
America1: *sigh* Yeah, me too.
(Please do not interpret this as a call for repeal; I want to improve upon what we have, not scrap it and start anew. Repeal is suicide.)
I digress. Collide will do it for some of you – folks who, I dunno, never got True Romance out of their system or found something to enjoy about Gone in Sixty Seconds. The cast is nice – I like Hopkins, Kingsley, Hoult and Jones. None of them are at their best here. File. Forget. Move on.
♪If you want to get that
Organ for your girl, cocaine
If you think that you have
Too many digits, cocaine
It won’t fly, it won’t fly, alibi
Cocaine
It you want to nosedive
Or get skinned alive, cocaine
Don’t believe me
Cross Hopkins and see, cocaine
You will lie, you will lie, you will die
Cocaine♫
Rated PG-13, 99 Minutes
D: Eran Creevy
W: F. Scott Frazier and Eran Creevy
Genre: A frenzy of bad choices
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Action junkies
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Plot junkies
♪ Parody inspired by “Cocaine”
