In the summer of 1993, a lab-coated relatively unknown Samuel L. Jackson suggested visitors to a monster infested island “hold on to your butts.” Twenty-four years later, a flak-jacketed superstar Samuel L. Jackson again suggested visitors to a monster infested island “hold on to your butts.” I’m not sure how many took him up on the offer, but I like that his ill-fated cinematic island vacations have come full circle – and this time, the lead he’s packing is not for pencils. Improvement? You decide.
Five minutes after said statement, Kong trashes an entire military fleet making this the most efficient King Kong adventure of all time. No more army copters? Well that was quick; I think we can leave. What? There were survivors? Oh, all right. [grumble] I guess I’ll stay for more.
Director Jordan Vogt-Roberts wasted no time in displaying his 200-foot tall titular star. Enormous primate Kong (or at least a relative of his) appears in the introductory flashback set in 1944 and is close to the first thing Colonel Packard (Jackson) sees upon entering the Skull Island airspace in 1973, when the bulk of the film takes place. So I guess we’re not waiting for the abduction/sacrifice of a bikini-clad Brie Larson. Awwwww. I should back up. The Colonel Packard led Americans who find Kong: Skull Island are Vietnam veterans, highly skilled and aggressive warriors. Also, they came looking for monsters. The fact that they are as ill-prepared to deal with them as oil barons and film crews is irrelevant in the standard Kongology.
Teamed with the GIs for this trip are civilians consisting of, but not confined to, anti-war photographer Mason Weaver (Larson), entrepreneur Bill Randa (John Goodman) and Indiana Jones guy (Tom Hiddleston). Hiddleston makes an ok tilt-your-head-and-squint Indiana Jones; it’s like when Pierce Brosnan played Bond – he really isn’t quite right for the part, but, whatchagonnado? Russell Crowe probably wasn’t available to go hunting a CGI ape. The foreplay takes about 30 minutes and it’s all just a meet-n-greet of “who’s gonna die on the uncharted island?” Honestly, the biggest fun of Skull Island is guessing who’s going to walk off it.
Kong: Skull Island has a great deal in common with the 1933, 1976, and 2005 versions (bunch of fools find an island with a great big ape and all sorts of ways to die). Hence, one can’t help but do a double-take when the script veers. What’s with the locals? Don’t you want to steal a woman in the night? No? Where’s the giant log scene? You know, where Kong separates the red shirts from the playahs? That was always my favorite. And Kong has it bad … spends the whole damn movie fighting giant lizards. No wonder he’s so angry all the time. There’s no romance, no all-expenses-paid trip to NYC (complete with Broadway
show and tour of the Empire State Building). So many canonical items are missing from this version, it’s like it’s not even the same movie at all. This would be fine except that instead of a standard King Kong reprisal, the film instead plays like a dumbed-down version of Jurassic Park III.
This film makes for an acceptable March adventure, but hardly a blockbuster. Never liked the metaphor of King Kong? Well, guess what, now you don’t have one. Are you happy now? All you’ve got is angry Grape Ape and the movie version of Pitfall. Is that what you want? Too bad. That’s what there is.
♪K is for the way you knock this tree
O is for this o-rang-u-chimp-an-zee
N is very, very not-so-necessary
Cause Gee, you’re so much more
And courtship can be such a bore
Yes, Kong, let’s reserve a table mesa just for two
If I’m not stuck in some primeval goo
Two in love, we’ll make it
Take that snake and dis-em-brake it
Kong, I’m sure my parents will approve♫
Editor’s note: Kong: Skull Island featured two equally attractive women – Brie Larson and Tian Jing. And yet it was clear in the film that were there a continuance of the ill-fated romantic path laid previously by Fay Wray, Jessica Lange and Naomi Watts, it would be Larson who trod such. Jing was little more than a footnote. Hence, I want you to know I came thisclose to a song parody entitled “If loving you is Kong, I don’t wanna be white,” but decided against, because, dude, poor taste.
Rated PG-13, 118 Minutes
D: Jordan Vogt-Roberts
W: Dan Gilroy and Max Borenstein and Derek Connolly
Genre: Big angry monkey
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Adventure junkies
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Kong romantics
♪ Parody inspired by “L-O-V-E”
