I must confess at this time that Netflix is my content guru – I know full well people were not turning to steelfrogblog.com for Jackie Chan week, but that didn’t stop me from reviewing seven Chinese films in eight days. Nor were these my best reviews. When your standard is “more,” things can -and do- fall through the cracks. And just like the FrogBlog, Netflix, in their own pursuit of “more,” often lets quality slide. Having said that, there’s a difference between “this sucks” and “this wouldn’t even entertain the parents of the lead actress.”
From what I can tell, Maximum Ride is an abduction/retrieval film. There are a bunch of kids who I guess have special powers. Some can fly, I think, and some are sort-of strong and one kid builds bombs in case your movie needs a terrorist. Their powers clearly do not include “line reading” or “conveying emotion.” They all live in a cabin in the woods because they don’t know what else to do. That is, they didn’t until one of their flock was stolen and the two people with the most lines, Max (Allie Marie Evans) and Fang (Patrick Johnson), abandon their clubhouse for the only place the people in the film wearing dark makeup could have taken that other smaller person who acts in the film. And then a bad movie got even worse.
Based on the book by James Patterson – by J.K. Rowling’s knickers, there’s a mind behind this film?! Are you kidding me? Anyhoo, yes, based on the published y.a. novel by James Patterson, Maximum Ride suggests not a hint of intelligence at any stage of production. I used to think films couldn’t get this bad by accident, but of course that’s not true. Films start bad. All of them. Putting something useful on screen is an incredibly difficult thing to do. The difference between Maximum Ride and the usual dreck is that Maximum Ride looks as if it never were propelled by an artistic vision or force of any kind, for good or bad. I’d bet anything this film had no storyboards and often went without direction for minutes at a time. “Should we be doing anything in this shot? Why are you on your phone? Are you playing Candy Crush? Is this rolling?”
You realize I have to rate this above 0.0 just to distinguish it as something else, yes? Zero stars is … perhaps not quite sacred, but reserved for monumental failures. Yes, zero stars represents failure. Supreme failure. 
Failure implies attempt. Zero stars is the result when a person with a clear vision attempts to make art or a statement or a treatise of some kind and bombs spectacularly in aesthetic look or technical feel or written word or moral compass or a combination of any of those. This is a distinction of dishonor, often held for folks like Uwe Boll, Dinesh D’Souza, or Tyler Perry – i.e. people who knew exactly what kind of picture they wanted to make and created something that should be incinerated and buried instead of sold to a viewing audience. To get to zero stars requires first and foremost a failed vision.
There was no such “vision” for Maximum Ride. There was no attempt, no thesis, no artistic feel. This is the kind of thing you make with your pre-pubescent friends when you first discover access to a filming device. One can almost feel the recess powwow spilled over into lunch that premeditated the first-and-only draft:
“… and then they’ll land in Utah where Max will get shot!”
“Why Utah?”
“ ‘Cause it’s on the way?”
“Is that a response or a question?”
“A response?”
“Was that a response or a question?”
“Why does Max get shot? Where’s her friend when this happens?”
“Why Utah?”
“I’m hungry.”
“Wait. We’re not finished here.”
“Screw that; I wanna play dodge ball”
“Shirts versus skins!”
(Everybody leaves)
Maximum Ride is the kind of film you make for a cheesy five minute segment during assembly to announce that the guy wearing Lee Press-on Nails is running for student president. The idea that this “film” shares anything in common with ones you judge in competitions is inane. You got an A.V. club together to create decent wings? That’s fantastic. Too bad they can’t write dialogue … or plot … or act … or direct … or produce … or. Forget it; I’m not wasting any more time with this one.
♪Baby let’s shoot, and have no fear
Don’t be confused, “on/off” is here
And if we bought it, we got to forever
This is not a tripod stand, baby, yeah so
See the screenplay in your mind
Guess at words and you will find
We’re gonna fly away
We’ll film that crap all day
I love makin’ this movie together
Not sure was this scene means
Toss in a few more teens
I love makin’ this movie together♫
Rated PG-13, 88 Minutes
D: Jay Martin
W: Angelique Hanus (oh, this was “heinous,” all right) & Jesse Spears
Genre: Hey! I can act in movies, too!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Kids who have never seen a film before. Possibly.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone with an ounce of taste
♪ Parody inspired by “Cruisin’ “
