In today’s Stephen King rip-off … so, get this – there’s an accidental death in Maine. I’m not sure how there are people left in Maine. When they’re not constantly hounded by demons, werewolves and possessed cars, they’re the victims of fanaticism, petty rivalry and just plain “accident.” The life expectancy of your average Maine man is lower than that of an extra on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
Mary Portman (Naomi Watts) is sending her difficult teen boy away. It doesn’t take. While arguing with his dad on the highway –probably over radio stations, am I right?— the family vehicle finds the front end of a lumber truck heading the other direction. Lumber trucks are, of course, equally as commonplace as trees in the state of Maine: “just can’t chop ‘em down fast enough, fellas.” Dad dies instantly, but teen Stephen (Charlie Heaton) survived, albeit in vegetative state.
And now, life kinda sucks for Mary. Lost husband, vegetable child, and excessively guilt-ridden about both. Are we amused to discover she’s a child psychologist? We might be were there any humor in this movie. There isn’t. You can see this scene, right? Lonely depressed woman … remote house in Maine (her office is the barn next door) … growing frustrated with taking care of her immobile offspring … paying the bills by listening to the problems of children who can still speak, walk, and love … She’s all about that guilt, ‘bout that guilt, ‘bout that guilt, no pleasure. And late at night, there are noises.
Ugh, this is one of those films I can’t tell you any more about for fear of spoiling. There. 15 minutes of set-up. Woo. I 
betcha can’t wait, huh? I’ll tell you this much – Shut In plays a lot like The Boy, except without the style or surprise. What is Naomi Watts doing in this film? I know we make jokes about how actresses are done once they hit a certain age – but have we really given up on Naomi Watts? As the spectre of 50 approaches, Naomi is relegated to motherhood in a horror film (and maybe a pathetic prostitute).
Shut In has the benefit of a very small cast party. At the end of the day, this is important when you’re reading receipts and trying to make ends meet. That’s a huge savings on caterers, invitations and alcohol. Every little bit helps, especially when the ticket sales are justifiably low.
What a wonderful thing to be stranded
Or left to a life disbanded
Stay in bed for all you care
No one’s time you need to share
Pizza, chocolate round the clocks
Have it all and lick the box
Dress for weddings, sport or play
Have “Suspenders Saturday”
Drink until you reek of gin
Pass out, wake, and try again
Most of all, leave life unscratched
You’re both single and mismatched
Rated PG-13, 91 Minutes
D: Farren Blackburn
W: Christina Hodson
Genre: The horror of parenthood
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Wow, I dunno. Parents who hate their teenagers, maybe?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “Lies make baby Jesus cry”
