Phew! You had me worried. Oh, no! A “White Savior in Asia” film! Exactly what the world doesn’t need right now. Culture–baiting? Race-baiting? Would a film entitled The Great Wall really tell the story of a white guy? That’s wrong on several incarnations. And now that I’ve seen the film, I’m not sure what I or anybody else was worried about. Savior? Shmavior. This was a stupid monster movie. High class monster movie to be sure – nice stunts, neat monsters, good CGI – but a monster movie, nonetheless, replete with hyperbole, bad acting, and utterly pointless. Taking from this film that the Chinese need a savior from the Anglo world to solve their problems is giving The Great Wall far too much credit; it needed about three additional levels of depth or subtlety to reach that particular threshold.
Scraggly Matt Damon and some “European” pals – Damon makes no attempt at an accent here, so it’s hard to buy his origin story—are on the run from a Mongol hoard when they encounter a killer man-sized lizard. In very confusing action, Damon slays the lizard, keeping the claw as a trophy. This comes in “hand-y” when he has to explain his backstory to a Chinese wall army the very next day. This part required a Reverse 1.5 somersault 2.5 twists level suspension of disbelief (2.9 degree of difficulty): William (Damon) and Tovar (Pedro Pascal) have scurried around northern China for weeks, yet managed to miss a great big wall. A when they find it, they’re at exactly the spot along the 5500 mile structure where a demon lizard army is going to attack the very next day. That’s some quality writing. Luckily for them, Commander Lin Mae (Tian Jing) and Ballard (Willem Dafoe) are there to speak English for plot convenience.
You know how this works – any six-year-old could have drawn up the next scene: the untrusted Europeans are bound when the lizards attack, and when they free themselves during battle, they fight the giant lizards instead of running away, thus befriending the Nameless Order.
Oh yeah, there are indeed some Chinese people in this film about China, aren’t there? General Shao (Hanyu Zhang) and strategy guru Wang (Andy Lau) lead the Nameless Order. The film has precious little to say about either man; we are even denied knowing how General Shao prefers his chicken be served. The man we do meet is soldier Peng Yong (Lu Han). William twice saves him atop the wall. Yeah, I gotta say the battle is a tad on the embarrassing side; the colorful and prepared Chinese army has several waves of attack including a platoon of bungee jumping circus performers, and yet the monsters decimate their forces with relative ease. And then Matt Damon comes in and, oooooohhh, it’s all like “we don’t know how to fight, man. Please kill us, Matt Damon.”
Ok, so, yeah, that part of the White Savior routine wasn’t pretty. Luckily, it’s compensated by, I kid you not, Matt Damon’s worst performance in a decade. I don’t know if it was the CGI, the language barrier, or just a plain phone-in, but Damon took trite to new
heights with this role. It seemed like Matt was puzzled most of the film trying to decide, “What would a hero say at this moment? Hmmm, probably something noble. Yeah, I’ll do that.”
Am I fan of the White Savior mentality? Of course not. But in the history of film, The Great Wall will be an afterthought, perhaps showing up in the footnote of a grad student’s thesis on Asian-Anglo conflict as part of a laundry list including “Shogun,” The Last Samurai and The Karate Kid. This film is mildly entertaining, but not nearly important enough to invest any real emotion. Yes, it is easy for me to make this statement as I am not of Asian descent … all I’m saying is if you’re lookin’ for a fight on this one, expect the opponent to concede the battlefield; firm supporters of this dreck are wasting energy.
♪The is no worse [No worse]
Strategy
Than assuming I will need Whitey
I tell you
I’d love to kick you
Off the Great Wall of China
All by myself alone
Boot you or toss you
Off the side, beyond the stone
Leave those monsters
As problems of ours all on our own
Don’t get all whiny; your efforts are tiny
Long have these seeds been sown
I’d love to heave you
Off the Great Wall of China
Save it, Private Matt Damon♫
Rated PG-13, 103 Minutes
D: Yimou Zhang
W: Carlo Bernard & Doug Miro and Tony Gilroy
Genre: The Monster Mash
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: CGI animators
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Those searching for deeper meaning
♪ Parody inspired by “Slow Boat to China”
