Ooooooooooo. Sure, there wasn’t much more than that. And was it worth IMAX prices for watching astronauts drink coffee? No. Of course not. But, ooooooooooo. Earth. Check it out. Even as we destroy the thing, Earth is really is a pretty place to be.
Ignoring your local space and science center, A Beautiful Planet went straight to real theaters in Spring of 2016. The film gets an “A” in Earth Science, Geography, and Social Studies, demonstrating the effects of Climate Change, topography, and politics respectively all from one –relatively- slow-moving satellite. That would all
be great if the material were turned in on time. A Beautiful Planet missed Earth Day by full week, and rather than collecting an incomplete, took a full grade penalty for lateness.
Narrator Jennifer Lawrence was unavailable to discuss the grade as of this reporting.
Look, all this movie contains is forty-five (45) minutes of footage taken from the International Space Station (ISS). The camera gives us some clips of Earth from … I guess you would call this remote angle footage. A Beautiful Planet was mostly panning shots, although it’s fair to say there were a lot of stars in the film. Well, the film points out some cool things about Earth, and then we get to see lettuce grown at the ISS or some such foolishness. Not content just to show that lettuce is being grown without dirt, ABP actually made us watch astronauts eat the lettuce and describe their feelings about it.
What’s that saying? “No good film is too long; no bad film is too short.” Yeah, that’s it.
The 75+% of film devoted to inside-the-space station mostly reminded me of how awful it would be to share the same thousand square feet or so with another person or persons for months at a time. I’m quite sure I’m not cut out for space travel; feel free to bury me on this planet, thank you. Fun as it is to see astronauts wash themselves, exercise and move boxes … I was much more at home with the pictures of Earth. The
interior would have been a giant loss were it not for the fact that Italians clearly select astronauts from a discarded pile of former supermodels. Samantha Cristoforetti has cheekbones that could cut glass.
Hmmmm, what did I learn? There is some really good stuff here – images can pick out the future desert that is the California valley and the shrinkage going on in Greenland. A Beautiful Planet did not, however, limit itself to “wow, does man suck” and “hey, I can see my house from here!” One can actually see politics from space. Did you know that? At night from many miles above the planet, one can easily pick out the border between India and Pakistan. It’s kinda sad. Sadder, still, however, is the division between North and South Korea: after dark, South Korea is the standard Western show of lights and activity; North Korea is dark, no electricity in the place. You know their populations are similar. Does the North just yell over the border, “hey, can you turn your country down? We’re trying to sleep here!” And now I do indeed wonder if the sleep hours of North Koreans differ from their Southern neighbors. I bet they do.
♪Close your eyes
Much to fear
We can tell
From outer space it’s getting’ hot in here
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful Earth
Before you’re put to sleep
There’s melt somewhere
Every day and in every way, it’s getting wetter and wetter
Beautiful, blistering, sizzling
Scorching Earth♫
Rated G, 45 Minutes
D: Toni Myers
W: The Cosmos
Genre: Ran out of animals on Earth Day
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Astronauts and prospective astronauts
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Climate Change deniers
♪ Parody inspired by “Beautiful Boy”
