The original Beauty and the Beast is my very favorite Disney film. I don’t wish to discount that statement, but I will qualify it by saying that while many people see Disney as the fulfillment of dreams, I see Disney as a calculating manipulation machine preying on your children to get to your pocketbook. Don’t even get me started on Teletubbies. In addition, I have no love of the pointless remake – I barely have to stretch my memory to come up with the failed revisits of Ben-Hur, Point Break, and Carrie. So how was the live action Hermione version of the tale going to improve upon the only animated film nominated for Best Picture in the entire 20th Century? Hmmm? More singing? More dreaming? More Stockholm Syndrome-ing?
The answer: all of the above.
For those not familiar with the tale, here goes – there’s a prince; he’s a dick. Earns a big fat curse turning him permanently into le Wolfman unless he can find some sweet wolf lovin’ before this magic rose wilts completely, like Axl Rose. The prince used to be popular, but now nobody wants to mooch any more. Meanwhile, there’s a tiny village just outside the castle woods where a very pretty girl can’t get no satisfaction. Obviously, these two are gonna find one another eventually. Can they make it work when they do? Generally, no one encourages imprisoning the girl you’re going to fall for, but he’s a beast, whatchagonnado? Melania wasn’t answering his calls.
And there’s music. Plenty of. Almost nothing but. The original Beauty and the Beast soundtrack is truly one of the greatest in movie history, so in the vein of “if it ain’t broke,” Bill Condon and company made essentially the same film with the same plots and the same music; the song list has been appended like bonus tracks on an album, but aside from, perhaps, a beastly lament in Act III, there’s nothing new worth singing about. Do you like Emma Watson? Do you enjoy her voice? Good, there’s plenty of her. And Hermione should be plenty at home in a big drafty castle, shouldn’t she?
One of the things I love about the Disney version of this fairy tale is the recognition of alternate villainy; that Beast (Dan Stevens), you know, the guy so consumed with elitism that he brought a curse down upon himself and consequently so consumed by anger that he can only view guests as prisoners – that guy whose outer appearance literally reflects his inner – is not the villain. In the village, there’s a handsome, immensely popular, and friendly hunk named Gaston (Luke Evans) who simply aspires to marry Belle (Watson). There’s your villain. And how is he a villain? He’s so obsessed with vanity that all happiness, including his own, takes a backseat.
Luke Evans makes a fair Gaston. You know who would have made a wonderful Gaston? Dwayne Johnson. We know he sings; he already is roughly the size of a barge (cameras don’t have to trick us to believe that one). And half the films he’s in describe a guy whose ego needs to be taken down a notch. Isn’t he much closer to the larger-than-life comic villain the story is looking for?
I’m hedging. There was no solid reason to make this movie. Enjoyable or not, it has been done already. There was nothing wrong with the 1991 film, hence remaking it and changing little to nothing shouldn’t garner great accolades or hit status. And, 
let’s face it, the romance doesn’t work quite as well this time around … you might chalk that up to live action v. cartoon, but I’d point out that Bill Condon directed Twilight: Breaking Dawn. Now, that all said, I’m glad this version exists. I enjoyed the reboot if for no other reason than the cinematography and art direction were both fantastic. This is a gorgeous adaptation. Now don’t push me. Leave it alone.
With the huge box office successes of this film, The Jungle Book, and Alice in Wonderland, it seems clear that live action remakes of cartoons are certain to be a new trend in film. While I do not encourage this phenomenon, there a few live action remakes I’d actually like to see:
Cars – might be worth it just to see Owen Wilson’s make-up
The Lego Movie – everything is awesome when real life Liam Neeson glues Chris Pratt to a chair
Anomalisa – Face plates be flyin’ when the robots take over. Starring Scarlett Johansson in every role.
Minions – this is a fun one to cast, huh? Who would you like to be a minion? I say the entire cast, including extras, of This Is the End.
The Peanuts Movie — worth it just to guess who would star
Heavy Metal —Of course, this would just be porn, wouldn’t it?
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
♪Tale in the archive
Enjoyed in ‘93
Barely even schemed
Then somebody dreamed
Nary uniquely
Just a little change
Sure that you’ll be pleased
Live action was dared
Executives prepared
Resistance, the least♫
Rated PG, 129 Minutes
D: Bill Condon
W: Stephen Chbosky, Evan Spiliotopoulos
Genre: Unnecessary remake
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Most any Disney girl you know
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “Seen it”
♪ Parody inspired by “Beauty and the Beast”
