How many hints do you need before it’s time to hit an emergency room? My GOD, woman, do you actually need a body part to fall off? Because I think it comes to that. I mean, how many orifices do you have to be leaking from before you finally get beyond the “let’s put some cream on it” stage?
I’m getting ahead of myself. For years, certain horror films have warned us off promiscuity. Jason Vorhees always targeted sex-hungry teenagers; It Follows made last sexual partner the determining factor in figuring exactly whom It would Follow; one need only watch Porky’s once to understand the evil specifically intended for the libidinous. Contracted might just be the pinnacle; it plays as if written by a team of super-religious abstinence–only (and perhaps anti-lesbian or anti-feminist) crusaders and in the process unfairly attacking a rape victim. Despite that, it’s actually quite an effective horror, if completely unwatchable. This film is a stomach-churning level of disgusting.
Samantha (Najarra Townsend) tries to lose the break-up blues at a party. Does that ever work? I mean, in real life, does that ever work? Well, it doesn’t here, either. Several drinks and a few pills later, BJ (Simon Barrett) the corpse-raping dude from the morgue, decides he’ll go for a live subject this time. Not taking “lesbian” for an answer, BJ forces sex upon under-the-influence Sam. Next morning, Sam wakes up bleeding from her crotch; this one of the themes of Contracted; Sam will, on film, paw at her nether-regions at least a dozen times in the next hour without the slightest hint of titillation. This is, of course, just the beginning.
Over the next three days, Sam proceeds to fall apart, almost literally. Every time we see her, she looks worse; each new scene is like one of those “spot the differences” slide shows. “Oh, oh, I see it, her iris is now red … oh, and she’s got some spider veins … and, hmmmm …oh, yeah, she’s missing a leg.” Ok, it’s not that bad. But it kind of is. When live mealworms start dropping from your crotch, you might want to, I dunno, maybe think about suicide. That’s got to be better, right?
This is, essentially, all there is to Contracted: Samantha going from bad to worse and pissing off everybody in her path. Dude! Stop going to work! Stop visiting people! And PLEASE stop touching things! Just get yourself to a hospital already and stay there! The message is clear: don’t make terrible decisions involving drugs and sex. This would be a decent message if the film showed us any of the horrors to afflicted men. As is, it comes off as prudish and anti-woman, neither of which is ever going to have my favor.
Samantha is an awful role to take. Do I have to go beyond “crotch maggots?” I’d really rather not. Where do you go from “crotch maggots” anyway? I’m 
glad I don’t know Najarra Townsend because I could never look at her the same again. Even if my name were “Townsend” and she showed at my family reunion, I’d try to avoid her. “Isn’t it great! Najarra is here! She’s a big time actress! Don’t you want to give her a great big hug?” “Ummm, no. No, I don’t.” (sidles away, looks for an escape route)
This is the kind of role an actress takes to show her drive, because it sure as Hell doesn’t show her range. And while I would hope this put Najarra on the map, it clearly did not. Contracted is now four years old and I can’t identify anything on her résumé since. Oh, that’s a shame. And yet, it isn’t. If I didn’t want to see her at the family reunion, I sure don’t want her in my safe zone, the theater.
♪I know I’ve been screwin’
I’ve nothin’ to fear
Sure, I’m more light headed
Than any mountaineer
Perhaps I should be going
Just get in my car
Before you up and notice
My lips as black as tar
Don’t know what I’m doin’
Can’t see all that clear
But, seriously, I’m all right
Come hold me close, my dear
Don’t say, “good-bye”
‘Cause I am barely bleeding
Just help me up the stairs
I don’t know who you’re kidding
You get in my affairs
And if I could stand here
Waiting so cool for another day
But if you oppose, ignore the lice
Take my advice, I know I’ll be OK♫
Not Rated, 84 Minutes
D: Eric England
W: Eric England
Genre: Ewwwwwwwwwwwww
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Abstinence only school counselors
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who don’t like to cringe
♪ Parody inspired by “Barely Breathing”
