Today’s episode of “let’s be afraid of everything” is Life, inspired by Alien and brought to you Skydance Media, Columbia Pictures, and the paranoid of all walks. Did I say Alien? How did that get in there? This film is much different. See, in Life, a small crew in outer space discovers a life form that becomes hostile and starts killing them off. It’s clearly much, much different than the Ridley Scott classic horror. I mean uh-uh. No way. Why would you even bring it up?
I honestly have no idea what gets done on the international space station, nor what its capabilities are, but on screen the space groupies anxiously await a probe returning with a soil sample from Mars. It’s comin’ in pretty darn fast, but Ryan Reynolds is on it. Tells us he was a “catcher” once upon a time. “Catcher?” Really? “Catcher?” Ryan, you’re Canadian; the word is “goalie.”
Hey, check it out — an ancient soil sample with some sort of single cell creature on it. Could this be, dare I ask, “Life?” Hmmm, it’s only been out for about a billion years … let’s wake it up. The first opportunity to revive the cell yields nothing, so instead they give it a Red Bull and spell its name wrong on a Starbucks cup; that does the trick. Now, we got Life. And what Life it is. Look at that little blob evolve. Ok, nobody is alarmed at how fast it’s growing. Nobody at all? It’s gone from single cell to chewing gum in a day. Ok. How about … is anybody upset by the fact that it fears nothing? Anybody? Anybody at all?
Before the thing gets all … homicide-y, American school children in contact with the station name the chewing gum, “Calvin.” Why do American children name it? It’s an international station. Six humans from four countries -not including Canada- are on the space station. Four nationalities are represented here and our modern Dr. Frankenstein (Ariyon Bakare) is English, but American exceptionalism is not even bounded by the ozone layer. Shortly thereafter, Calvin, now something resembling sentient Play-Doh, enters a dormant phase and doc gets the brilliant idea, “let’s poke it with a stick.” Well, I’m no zoologist, but Life experience has taught me that if it isn’t dead, you don’t poke it with a stick. Bad things happen.
Life is a genuine thrill, perhaps not quite as scary as it could have been, and I’d have hoped the astronauts proved a tad smarter or more innovative, but it holds to the basic horror formula – unstoppable force, lethal behavior, geographic isolation. Honestly, kids at home – that’s horror in a nutshell – I won’t say you can’t lose with those elements, but you gotta have them for a true horror/thriller.
Aside from the fact that film is basically Alien, the biggest problem here are the limitations of the beast itself, of which there seem to be none. Calvin will react to electricity and fire, but seems harmed by neither. Later we learn Blobby needs oxygen to live, but spends minutes at a time outside
the spacecraft without side-effect. With octopus-like maneuverability, it seems unhampered by limited living/squeezing space; neither is it slow or weak or vulnerable. And it can take a 65-zillion year nap and still be spry as an X-gamer in a Mountain Dew commercial.
The message of this film is unfortunately one completely unneeded at this time in our history: fear everything, especially the unknown. Way to sell bold, Skydance. I came away from Life thinking maybe we need to build a wall between us and Mars; come to think of it, both security-wise and economy-wise, that makes equally as much sense as the proposed wall between the United States and Mexico. Hmm, forget I said anything; I don’t want to give the pro-wall idiots any more stupid ideas.
♪My name is Calvin
I live in the bio lab
I am a ball of goo
Yes, I think I’m translucent flab
If you see inert late at night
Think I’m in trouble and it ain’t right
Just don’t poke me with a prod
Just don’t poke me with a prod
Just don’t poke me with a prod♫
Rated R, 103 Minutes
D: Daniel Espinosa
W: Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick
Genre: Not like Alien at all. Nope. Nothing like it.
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Fear mongers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Pioneers
♪ Parody inspired by “Luka”
