2017 is still fairly new and yet the overwhelming theme is “the drawbacks of capitalism.” Capitalism certainly has virtues aplenty, but few are obvious in the current global climate. In my world, one of the biggest drawbacks to capitalism is the repetition of bad franchise films. I do actually wish there were a governing board that could put an end to Transformers. I don’t care how successful the films are financially, nobody needs another Transformers movie. There is no greater good to another big stupid robot fight. There is no 12-year-old, bed-ridden cancer victim with a dying wish that Optimus Prime be avenged. Similarly, the Smurfs have already proven twice (in two chances) their formula is weak; I don’t think they’ve earned another shot.
I’ll give the Smurfs credit for recognizing a need to change; Smurfs: The Lost Village got rid of the hokey animation-on-live action look and turned entirely animated. While losing wasted talents Neil Patrick Harris and Hank Azaria, the result is a huge improvement. Instead of looking like cheap giveaways at a street fair, the little blue punks are right at home in their Seussian forest of evil. Did I say “evil?” Dear me. Why isn’t there an “evil” Smurf? This round, we actually discover Paranoid Smurf and Pervy Smurf –actually, he goes by “Nosey,” but if your main occupation is toting around field glasses 24/7 and peering into windows, that’s … pervy. He’s voiced by the director, Kelly Asbury—I have never enjoyed the simplistic pigeon-holing of the individual Smurfs: “Happy Smurf” is happy! “Sad Smurf “is sad! “Dead Smurf” is dead! And where are their SAT brethren? Pedantic Smurf, Libidinous Smurf, Obsequious Smurf, etc.? It doesn’t matter.
Now at last look, I was jarred to learn Smurfette (voice of Demi Lovato) wasn’t the queen of the Smurf colony. That’s how this works, right? All the boys are drones and Smurfette has an egg sack beneath a magic mushroom somewhere, yes? No. In fact the evil wizard Gargamel (Rainn Wilson) created Smurfette to capture the Smurfs. Currently wrapping my head around Gargamel’s God-like powers – you can create life out of clay and all you want to do with it is get a full head of hair? Dude, they have creams and stuff now. With this installment, however, I learned –although I cannot divulge the secret hidden within the film’s quixotic title- the Smurfs are not an insect colony, just horribly, almost comically, bad at mating. “Hey, mom, why do all the boy Smurfs live in one place?” “Because they chose it that way, dear.” Hmmm, so it’s like that, is it? Well, chalk another one up to the Smurfs for some very forward thinking. Word. Solidarity. Keep reaching for that Rainbow Brite, brothers.
Oh yes, a plot. Gargamel wants to capture all the Smurfs again.
I didn’t laugh once throughout Smurfs or Smurfs 2. That all changed in Smurfs: The Lost Village. I laughed once. Actually, truth be told, this version had a much more solid handle on how the Smurfs should entertain an audience – this iteration had a much smaller 
emphasis on self-esteem. That never made much sense in the first place as there probably exists a “Self-esteemy Smurf” to compensate for the lack of self-esteem in Hefty Smurf (Joe Manganiello) or Brainy Smurf (Danny Pudi). Lost Village takes us on Smurfette’s Excellent Adventure and if self-esteem or friendship happens along the way, hey, good for you, miniature LGBTQ people.
I am never going to be a fan of the Smurfs. Smurfworld grates on me like nails on a chalkboard. Yeah, shove that bullSmurf right up your Smurfhole. But given what the Smurfs are, who the Smurfs are, and how they behave, this is probably as good it’s going to get. Is that worth a positive review? HAH! Only “Pan Smurf” here.
♪Young Smurf! There’s no need to be blue
I said young Smurf! Don’t let your fears accrue
I said young Smurf! Come join our BBQ
Just sign up with our guide “Happy”
Young Smurf, there’s a place you can sing
I said young Smurf, gather in a big ring
You can hang out, and I’m sure you can ming-
le we always have a good time
It’s fun to visit our Smurf town today
It’s fun to while your time away
We have everything for blue men to enjoy,
You can cavort with all the boys♫
Rated PG, 89 Minutes
D: Kelly Asbury
W: Stacey Harman and Pamela Ribon
Genre: Animating a dead horse, then beating it
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Small children
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Teenaged children
♪ Parody inspired by “Y.M.C.A.”
