Just in case you were worried the Fast & Furious franchise might have a moral center, it doesn’t. For over a decade, we’ve watched aging X-Gamers defy all laws, including gravity, for the purposes of entertainment. Each episode, however, ended with a docile sit-down picnic and a trite statement about family being the ultimate good. Whatever happens, you never turn your back on family … except, of course, when the cast is too good-guy heavy. Then we get Vin Diesel to show off his mad thespian talents as a wooden automaton. Sell it, Vin, I don’t quite believe you’ve quite hit “human statue” yet.
So what could make Dom (Diesel) turn on his family? More family. While in Havana on business [read: his honeymoon], Dom wins a drag race while going backwards with his car on fire. So, you know, what’s known in the F&F world as “Tuesday.” Now that the street racing portion of the film has been dealt with, The Fate of the Furious can deal with the plot: Cipher (Charlize Theron) has kidnapped a woman Dom doesn’t really care about and a son he never knew and uses the pair as leverage to get our Mr. Clean to turn his back on family – and international safety.
As this seemed a pathetic gambit to make Dom break his only taboo, I wondered what else might make Dom turn his back on family. Here are my guesses:
- A really good shave
- That bald-headed man spray
- Signed photo of Richard Petty
- A case of turtle wax and a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat
- Stack of plain white t-shirts
- Ice Cream
Cipher is that villain who can be anywhere and do anything already, which makes me wonder why she bothers stealing stuff. What’s clear is that to stop the team of Cipher and Dom, the turbo Scooby gang will have to put aside their differences and team up. In other words – Dwayne Johnson will have to stop bench pressing his entire prison cell in an attempt to intimidate Jason Statham. And perhaps Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson will have to stop acting like fools and accept that neither is good enough for Nathalie Emmanuel. And maybe Michelle Rodriguez will stop reminding us that if it weren’t for the Furious franchise, she’d be waiting tables.
Nah. That’s all gonna happen. And with crazy stunts, too. Check 
out the part where Cipher controls all the microchip-enhanced vehicles in NYC and makes them leap, driverless, in tandem from vertical garages … check it out, it’s The Happening for cars.
This franchise has never had a great deal of integrity. The plots have never made sense and alliances are as easily broken or forged as turning the ignition. Hence, I cannot justify why I think this particular iteration is any worse than the last three. But it is. The Fate of the Furious much more than its predecessors feels like that film in which several “furious” action scenes were imagined and then the writers had the job of piecing them together to make a script. I don’t think it works, but I will give FF8 some credit – Jason Statham kicking ass while soothing a cradled baby dealt a fair amount of smiles while, in turn, twisting a fair amount of reason. There are moments to enjoy here; do so at your peril.
♪Well I’m just draggin’ babe on this side of town
And I’ve got a reckless rep of great renown
When someone comes up to us and tries to pass
You know the end is traction lying on his ass
We’re a wisdom proof group
We take chances a lot
(Wisdom proof group
We take chances a lot) ♫
Rated PG-13, 136 Minutes
D: F. Gary Gray
W: Chris Morgan
Genre: Action for actions sake, and no other
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: People who don’t care about plot
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Everybody else
♪ Parody inspired by “Little Deuce Coupe”
*FWIW, it’s a shame this film isn’t titled Fast 8. I mean, how often are you going to see a two-word antonym title?
