It’s been thirty-eight years and Ridley Scott still has cyborg issues. One could argue they’ve become more pronounced these past decades as Alien: Covenant opens with “God” (Guy Pearce) and his “Adam” (Michael Fassbender). Robotic Adam doesn’t quite get snarky with God, but it’s clear this God will not outlive his creation; I’m guessing something about that thought frightens this director to pieces. Face your fears, Ridley, get them right out in the open.
The titular monsters of Alien: Covenant have to be just about the most biologically advanced beings ever devised – all over the unfamiliar planet surface, there are black tennis balls (or horse apples if you prefer that image) waiting to be trod upon. When that happens, the balls serve up a stream of spores the size of hay fever which immediately find a host and go nuts. In literally the time it takes to play “I’ve Got You Under My Skin,” a fully developed, aggressive, semi-intelligent, lethal albino aardvark emerges from your body cavity with the sole intent of inhibiting your landing party’s ability to return service … forever. These things develop so quickly, you half-expect the next one to burst forth donning a party hat, a noise maker, and a sash saying “birthday boy.”
Unfortunately, this is what suffices as innovation in the Alien world; by my count, this is the 8th Alien film and the only new understanding I got from Alien: Covenant is these things have the ability to emerge from your back or your throat instead of your chest. Ah, but I see I’m already two sets in without telling you who’s winning.
It is the year 2104 and we’ve got the same set-up as Passengers: bunch of people in hyperspace headed for a distant planet when their space cocoon hits a speed bump. Top staff awakens from hyperspace to assess and repair the damage when Tennessee (Danny McBride) gets a garbled message from a human in English with “Take Me Home, Country Roads” playing in the background. –What is it with the John Denver this year?—The transmission is coming from, check it out! A planet just as good as the one we’re going to colonize … and it’s right there below us! It doesn’t exactly take Admiral Ackbar to see this is a trap, but bad decisions are the bedrock of the Alien franchise. Against the complaints of #2 Daniels (Katherine Waterston), new acting captain Oram (Billy Crudup) is sold; he should have been home yesterday, yesterday.
There is an unbelievable daft that accompanies this excursion. What exactly are the odds you encounter an American transmission in deep space from an unknown planet? Given the vastness of space, you could send off a thousand such “colonization” spaceships in exactly
the same direction and still have a pretty good idea of which one is sending the Thank-God-I’m-A-Country-Boy-o-gram. On the disturbingly Earth-like planet surface, wheat, actual wheat, is being grown. Now, somebody gets suspicious. ‘Bout damn time, folks! And that’s when spores happen.
Most of Alien: Covenant feels like exposition (not unlike Star Wars III: Sith Sandwich). This film has the sad task of taking us home along the meandering Country Road from Prometheus to Alien. That doesn’t make it a bad film; there was certainly drama and tension and body count and blood; I just found it entirely predictable. The gestation period of these aardvarks keeps getting shorter and shorter; this isn’t science so much as the desire for science fiction – waiting for lethal threat to become lethal is so boring! Hence I suggest a new forum: television. Not only can we spend proper biological time fearing the worst, we might actually meet a cast dismember or two that way. And Alien’s old pal Predator can even show up from time to time creating something of a deep space, deep six. Whaddaya think?
♪ I’ve grown you under my skin
I’ve grown you deep in the core of me
So deep in my core, that you’re drilling a bore in me
My lifeline is growing thin
I’ve tried so, not to cave in
I’ve said to myself this gestation ain’t gonna go so well
And though I attempt to resist, I’m stuck in pre-natal Hell
Cuz I’ve grown you under my skin ♫
Rated R, 122 Minutes
D: Ridley Scott
W: John Logan and Dante Harper
Genre: The wistful reminder of true terror
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Cyborgs
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Astronauts
♪ Parody inspired by “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”
