Colossal represents the perils of rushing an unfinished script to screen. The film is enjoyable for just about 45 minutes before it falls apart completely and gets squashed into the dirt as if it lay directly in Godzilla’s path. At that critical 45-minute juncture, Colossal goes from a film of clear vision and good humor to a place where ideas get stomped underfoot.
Before I forget, this is the first time on the FrogBlog I’ve gotten to mention Spanish writer/director Nacho Vigalondo. That’s a great name, right? Sounds like an order at a restaurant that couldn’t figure out how to transition to upscale: “Waiter, I’d like the ‘Nacho Vigalondo’ with a side of Tater Totoros … and bring me a tall glass of 2016 Yoo-hoo while you’re at it.” Nacho was entirely responsible for Colossal, the equivalent of “hot mess” in film form.
Gloria (Anne Hathaway) needs help. She won’t admit it and never gets it, but I can state with a fair amount of certainty that any adult with the means who can’t spend a single night in a real bed (which describes for Gloria every single night this film takes place) probably needs counseling as well as a chiropractor. As Gloria staggers into her boyfriend’s apartment well past dawn, he’s had enough. This is our introduction to party girl Gloria, but Tim (Dan Stevens) has already enough of this Beast –you’d think he’d be a little more sympathetic, huh?– and banishes her back to rural France or wherever.
Luckily, Gloria is white which means that there is, apparently, an empty rent-free house completely available to her. Presumably, this is her parents’ long departed property, the house she grew up in just sitting and waiting for a reunion. Convenient, no? Now you can take the girl out of NYC, but you can’t take alcoholism out of the girl and literally within hours of Gloria’s tail-between-legs homeland retreat, she has acquired an entirely new set of drinking and all-night partying friends in Oscar (Jason Sudeikis), Joel (Austin Stowell), and Garth (Tim Blake Nelson). And after staggering home after dawn in her home town, she crashes on the floor and wakes up to the news that a giant monster has attacked Seoul, South Korea. Yes, a real monster. Like Godzilla.
There’s more. Turns out that Gloria is somehow connected to the monster, unwittingly, like Peter Pan’s shadow to Pan himself. Even a barely sober Gloria can recognize her own idiosyncratic gestures in monster form. Well, this is a heckuva a premise, huh? Trainwreck of a woman is the unsuspecting puppet master creating havoc half a world away. This is the fun part of the film, the part worth caring about. I can’t wait to see where this goes next.
The good news is the monster becomes Gloria’s wake-up call to sobriety. The bad news is that was the second-to-last good idea Colossal had. (I won’t tell you the last) And the film still 
had over an hour to go. Initially, I thought the monster was a manifestation of Gloria’s binge personality, which yields the cautionary message of prudence. It’s not. Then, I thought the monster was an alter ego based on Gloria’s forgotten wishes. That interpretation yields a more elusive message, but it’s probably cautionary as well. It’s not. Shortly thereafter, I realized this film was about the Godzilla-like avatar of a woman who needs to clean up her act without the monster itself actually representing any part of the broken woman’s personality. Nacho … can I call you “Nacho?” This script needs less cheese and more salsa, knowwhatI’msayin’?
I want to see this film remade right. People like me frequently say that we would rather see mediocre films remade than classics and this is the reason – there is a great premise here, an absolutely can’t-miss notion and Colossal missed it. A Monster Calls is a similar film and much better because the monster is tied to the frustrated child’s personality. Colossal could follow that script and still remain independent in several ways, but the key is that monster has to be a supernatural representation of Gloria, and thus her atonement needs to follow suit. Nacho? Next time don’t call “order up” until it’s ready.
♪A weekend lost
In a rampage of
Dismember
I am a crone
Gazing on my playground crushing streets below
Look hard but you may not find my Seoul
I am a freak
I am a monster
I’ve squashed walls
And fortresses around me
Alone I will penetrate
I have no need of sober, weighing on my brain
All of my adulthood is a drain
I am a freak
I am a monster♫
Rated R, 110 Minutes
D: Nacho Vigalondo
W: Nacho Vigalondo
Genre: I’m a monster!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Atoners
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Monsters
♪ Parody inspired by “I Am a Rock”
