A note to filmmakers out there – if you want to make your own Reservoir Dogs, you have to write clever dialogue. Anything shy and your warehouse shootout is just another Pineapple Express. Some of you may not be able to tell the difference, but the rest of us are going to marvel repeatedly over what terrible shots these guys are while not-so-secretly wishing they weren’t.
As we all know, Boston of 1978 had a facial hair city ordinance: everyone adult, male or female, in the towne prosper of Boston is required to grow, bare minimum, “A mous-tachee of fruitful Significance and Designe worthy of appearinge in a feature-length filme devoted to the pornographic artes.” This open-ended edict was enacted for “as longe as the Discotheque ball glittereth.” So if you’re wondering about all the facial hair in the film, just consult the outdated Suffolk county charter.
I’m kidding, of course. I hate that I even have to say, “I’m kidding.” Before that orange buffoon became President, people seemed to know the difference between exaggeration and flat-out lying. “Pizzagate,” really? You idiots. Anyway, suffice to say that while there wasn’t actually a law requiring such, the 70s was an era of abundant facial hair and there’s a ton of it in Free Fire.
In the semi-abandoned docks off the Boston harbor, an arms deal is going down. The principles seem to be Frank (Michael Smiley) -a no-nonsense IRA rep- collecting weapons from Vernon (Sharlto Copley), a bizarre and underhanded dealer. What’s notable here is that several additional personalities show up like Justine (Brie Larson), the hound dog magnet, Martin (Babou Ceesay), the money guy, and Ord (Armie Hammer), the breezy liaison. Chris (Cillian Murphy) immediately notes the AK47s ordered are actually M16s (Vernon is saving those for a Middle Eastern deal). Hey, whatchagonnado? Shop online? It’s 1978. Chris gives in after product inspection.
Then the deal gets Harry. One of the sellers, Harry (Jack Reynor), recognizes Stevo (Sam Riley) as a guy he punched the night before involving an altercation with Harry’s cousin. Free Fire being a movie, it is simply a matter of time before the entire warehouse is full of gunfire. Almost all of Acts II and III involve people shooting at other people with an alarmingly low rate of connection. Seriously, most of the shooters would do better to point their guns in a random direction and hope for a successful ricochet. The action is a half-step above constant chaos; that half-step being Free Fire actually does a fair job of identifying an isolating the various shooters.
If I live to be 93, I will never not enjoy playful misuse of music in film. Today’s moment is brought to you by John Denver and the number 8 – as in 8 track. Before 
deliberately entering the scattered firefight, the guy operating the weapons van revs the engine and pops in Denver’s album “Back Home Again.” Thus, the first part of the melee is choreographed to “Annie’s Song.” If you’re like me, that moment and the revival in Act III might just be worth the viewing by itself. Unfortunately, little else is.
I got the distinct impression that Free Fire would have been drop dead hilarious as the climax of a television season – perhaps if we’d known and spent time with these men (and Brie Larson) for several hours prior, we would find the gold in Sharlto Copley’s antics and Armie Hammer’s cool. Maybe if we had seen the previous night’s altercation between Harry and Stevo, we’d find the humor in his lack of apology or justification in the over-the-top escalation. As is, I didn’t find much to love and was satisfied almost entirely in the knowledge that few-to-none were escaping that warehouse life intact.
♪She’s a good deal, Boston Harbor
Arms selling to IRA true
She’s a good deal, crazy excepting
What could make folks come unglue?
Was a long night hoppin’ in Back Bay
There were tempers runnin’ through the bar
And he’s a bad boy, ‘cause he won’t say “I’m sorry”
He’s a worse boy to ramp up this far
And now I’m free, free firin’
Yeah there’s free, free firin’♫
Rated R, 90 Minutes
D: Ben Wheatley
W: Amy Jump, Ben Wheatley
Genre: Bullet-riddled chaos
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Shootout junkies
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Mediators
♪ Parody inspired by “Free Fallin’ ?
