Don’t get me wrong; I dig Michael Cera. Loved him in “Arrested Development.” He was an awesome early sacrifice in This Is the End. But, and I’m saying this with all due respect to Michael, if your woman leaves you for Michael Cera, you will never live that down. Never. So you’d think the jockey swap to Cera plot in today’s film would make for an adequate comic premise, but film doesn’t always work that way, does it?
Gold-digging is an activity more suited for the young and beautiful. Maximo (Eugenio Derbez) used to be both of these things. And when he was (22-year-old Maximo is played by Vadhir Derbez, Eugenio’s son. Isn’t that cute?), he captured his personal white whale (Renée Taylor). A tight yellow speedo, a country club swimming pool, and a strut used to be all the harpoon he needed. Twenty-five years later, he’s grown from a big, handsome jerk into an ugly, spoiled jerk. Maximo has the kind of life poor people imagine rich people have –the one where you live in house big enough to accommodate multiple zip codes, the one where all movement –even from bed to bathroom- is electronic, and the one where if you’re too lazy to turn a page in a book, somebody does it for you. And that’s when Maximo becomes Minimo in favor of Michael Cera. Adios, muchacho.
BTW, if you can live with somebody for a quarter-century and your relationship can end, forever, in three sentences, that doesn’t speak well of either of you.
Without any resources, Maximo suddenly remembers he has a sister (Salma Hayek) and so for the second time in a week, I got to see the improper use of a portable air mattress on film. Sara (Hayek) ain’t keen on allowing Maximo back into her life and who can blame her? In the decades since their youth, she’s seen nothing in the way of primary love or secondary wealth. But you can’t 
deny family, I think, so Maximo gets one last chance to earn her distrust. Can middle-aged portly and obnoxious Maximo find another Sugar Mama before blowing it with Sara and her son Hugo (Raphael Alejandro)?
Despite the title, this film is less tutorial than confessional. What I mostly learned about How to Be a Latin Lover involves buying a yellow speedo and some body butter. This, of course, isn’t the point. Latin Lover is a member of the Papio Ursinus buffoon family in which an obtuse jackass strives for an idiotic goal and instead achieves a meaningful one accidentally. This is the fallback, of course, for those who find the humor wanting. Perhaps I couldn’t quite grasp the subtlety of comic Hispanic intonation, however, lucky for me, fart jokes translate in any language.
If you’re easy, go ahead and enjoy. Personally, I’m neither holding out for more either Eugenio or Vadhir; they’ve already received my Maximo amount of attention.
♪Sometimes I feel I let one
Get away My figure
went astray
Now I’m pale from that inactivity
To grow a pair
I need to take care
You might think it’s trite
But in fifteen seconds I’ll make it right
Once I was a stud (A stud)
Now I am a dud
Recapture love from a can
All it takes is one spray-on tan
Get my orange and restore my mojo
Oh painted love
Painted love
Don’t touch me please
If allergic, then you’ll sneeze
Painted love♫
Rated PG-13, 115 Minutes
D: Ken Marino
W: Chris Spain, Jon Zack
Genre: Gold-diggin’
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The easily amused
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Sugar Mamas
♪ Parody inspired by “Tainted Love”
