To be honest, I thought having another month of FYNC Fridays would be fun. It’s been over a year since the last and I had a number of Nicolas Cage factory rejects on backlog, so, hey, why not poke some more fun at Hollywood’s most recognizable cautionary tale? Truth is, it’s not terribly fun any longer … the movies are neither good, nor memorable, and Nicolas Cage hasn’t turned in a good performance in years. Netflix U.S. currently has twelve (12) Nicolas Cage films ready for immediate consumption and evacuation and every.single.one exists almost entirely to cash in on the name “Nicolas Cage.” I consider Snake Eyes the only honest Cage performance among the bunch, which is significant in two ways: it is by far the oldest member of the dozen and it sucked all the same.
Hence, I am only too happy that today marks the last Friday of May, 2017 to be FYNC’d … and I will somberly reflect before concentrating the Next collection of Cage dogs. There will be more, of that I am sure. In the meantime, I am chagrined to present Rage, a film which required almost the entire gamut of Nicolas Cage phone-ins.
Like the title says, angry Cage was on display in this one (well, moderately angry that is), but Rage also required condescending parental Cage, slimy kinda-misogynistic husband Cage, pouty above-the-law Cage, embittered mournful Cage, creepy homeboy Cage, and almost wistful, sorta-tortured-by-his-past Cage. As Nicolas Cage’s personal money problems are clearly still in full force, I sure hope he didn’t violate any pre-set carrier data limit agreement while phoning all this in.
Former bad boy Paul Maguire (Cage) has been a legitimate business man for a few decades now. I’d say he leads a quiet life with his trophy wife Vanessa (Rachel Nichols) and teen daughter Caitlin (Aubrey Peeples), but Paul is the kind of guy who shows at ribbon cuttings standing next to the mayor, which is something most quiet people will never do. When his daughter is kidnapped and found dead in the woods, it is time to get the band back together. Do you need to know his stable of hand-picked goons? Nah. Suffice to say, these guys are loyal to the point of torturing innocents for information. And then … Rage in the Cage!
Rage differs from other Cage matches in that the explicit violence is indiscriminate, at times practically random. This is also what brings down what might have been an acceptable action picture. If violence for the sake 
of violence is your bag, well, enjoy this film and the fallout from the inevitable anarchy that will flourish the longer Trump remains president. If, on the other hand, you need violence to have a target, a reason, a focus, well, you might wish to try another picture; in this one, the Cage crew finds a clue suggesting a Russian tie and decides that anyone in the entire state who can correctly identify Russia on a map needs to die. Don’t you know, Nic? Putin is our friend now! Come, people of Russia. Sit. Relax. Influence our elections. Apparently, we don’t mind.
I can bestow one distinction on Rage: the minute it was released, it immediately vaulted into the Top 10 Top 25 Top 100 films of all time in which the title rhymed with the last name of the lead. Of course right at this moment, I can’t think of any other examples. All I can come up with are mistaken possibles, like Meryl Streep in The Deep, Vince Vaughn in Captain Ron and Tom Cruise in Biloxi Blues. Wasn’t there a sci-fi last year entitled, “Doctor Bumberbatch?” Well, in any case, congratulations, Cage/Rage, your honor shall remain so until I actually do some research.
♪No Oscar date to celebrate
No little golden statue one might give away
No there’s no chance for some Sundance
In fact it’s just another meaningless screenplay
No carpet red
No May premiere
Not even one live crowd to settle back and cheer
But what I do, it’s nothing new
As Shakespeare said, “to thine own self be true”
I just called to phone in my role
I just called to say that I don’t care
I just called to phone in my role
Gimme money and I’ll get out of your hair♫
Not Rated, 92 Minutes
D: Paco Cabezas
W: Jim Agnew, Sean Keller
Genre: FYNC!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: at&t executives
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “FYNC!”
♪ Parody inspired by “I Just Called to Say I Love You”
